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A Million Beautiful Pieces November 26, 2018

Fictional Short Story: The Women In The Bathroom by Desirae Pillay

(Please note the content and language may be explicit for some readers)

The Women In The Bathroom

Shardha squeezed the Colgate toothpaste on the toothbrush, and hoped that Nandha wouldn’t moan that it wasn’t Aquafresh like they used at home. In her haste to pack their school uniforms and books, she didn’t think about packing toothpaste.

“Nandha, we are going to be late. Hurry up.” She tried to whisper across the passage from the bathroom to the bedroom where her brother and her had slept last night. He was always dragging his feet but she knew after what happened last night, it would be harder for him to get going today.

She could hear her aunty Raksha in the kitchen. Her aunty was newly married to their maternal uncle Mitchell but Shardha and Nandha felt as if they knew her forever. Shardha was grateful that aunty Raksha had the sense to suggest that Nandha and her stay at their home last night.

The night before seemed in one part like a distant memory yet in another part she could remember every word yelled between her parents; when every punch and kick happened and she could still see the madness in her fathers’ eyes as he pounded her mother.

Nandha and her were also yelling and crying; begging him to stop but he just hit their mother harder. Their screams were heard by their neighbours who like so many times before, knew to phone their uncle Mitchell.

Shardha was a pro at calming down her brother enough so that atleast he didn’t make a noise when he cried. Her mother staggered to the bathroom, ignoring the whimpers of her children. Or maybe she was deaf after all the yelling? Shardha found that easier to believe. When uncle Mitchell and aunty Raksha arrived, their father was gone. Shardha opened the door and then the big gate. Her mother was still in the bathroom.

Every time he did this, her father left for a while. Sometimes it was just a few hours. Other times it was weeks before he returned. Then when he came back, it was like nothing happened. Mum and dad would be happy again until the next time she spoke out of turn or forgot to ask his permission before she bought something or who knows what silly things she did to make him angry.

Shardha’s thoughts were interrupted by Nandha. He came into the bathroom, his eyes puffy from crying himself to sleep; and the same terrified look he had the night before. Shardha, handed him his toothbrush and whispered to him to please try to hurry up. Then, quite unexpectedly the bathroom door flung open causing both children to jump with fright. Aunty Raksha stumbled in. She looked away from the children while she leaned over the bath tub and opened the tap.

Shardha thought she saw red on her aunty’s hand but her mind resisted the allusion to what it might be and she tried to dismiss it. But she couldn’t unsee the deep red stream flowing from her aunty’s face, mingling with the water as it cascaded down the drain. She knew, she knew that her aunty was silently crying and a scary idea entered her mind.

Did her father come here and do this to her aunty ? Was he cross that she had taken them with her? Was he in the flat right now? Shardha’s mind was racing as she tried to understand why her aunty was also a woman in the bathroom like her mother.

Just as her confusion was becoming panic, her aunty stood up with a towel over her mouth and nose and said “Shardha go get your lunches from the kitchen. I’ll take Nandha down to the car. Go get your bag, Nandha.” Shardha knew better to ask her aunty anything now. She went to the door, opened it and listened. She couldn’t hear her fathers’ voice. She could only hear her uncle getting ready in his bedroom.

She slipped out of the bathroom and walked slowly down the passage to the kitchen. There were the lunches. She grabbed them and turned back hoping to catch aunty Raksha and Nandha and to walk down with them. As she turned back into the passage, she could hear her uncle talking to his friend from next door. They were on the balcony off the lounge.

Uncle Mitchell sounded so angry. “Bloody bitch. She thinks she is too smart.”

Uncle Mervin asked him “What? Raksha? What happened bru? She wasn’t looking right when I saw her on the stairway now. She having a problem with your sissies kids being here?”

“No f&*%! Not problem with the kids. No, no she likes them. She wanted to bring them last night. My sister and my swaer got into it again. So we brought the children here while they cool off. But this bitch, thinks because we took the children, she can talk about my sissie. This morning she was chuning me that my sissie must think about the children. She said my sissie can’t keep letting the children see this. What the f&*%? She thinks she knows better than my sissie?

Shardha drew a deep breath. Her eyes widened in horror. She knew why aunty Raksha had a bloody nose and mouth. The tears filled her eyes and her throat felt dry and painful.

“I clouted her a solid one. Bloody sh**.”

Uncle Mervin “ Hey bru, sometimes you have to show these things their place. Your wife, you know with her education and all, she needs to be brought down a bit. Good you showed her quickly how to shut the f&*% up. “

“She finally managed to fully open her eyes.”

Shardha tip toed down the passage, not wanting to see her uncle and not wanting to hear anymore. She was just six years old when she understood that nowhere was safe if you were a woman.

Twelve years later, that memory came back to her as clear as day. Somewhere in the distance, she could hear a baby crying. It took her a few seconds to realize that it was her baby that was crying.

Her eyelids felt so heavy as she tried to open it. She became aware of the cold tiles against her cheeks. Then she remembered. He was angry because she left the hotel room to buy food for the baby. She didn’t wait for him to come back.

How could she? The baby was hungry and he was already an hour later than he said he would be. So she raced like a mad woman to buy mash and gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken. But she was wrong to leave. She knew, she knew it as soon as she opened the hotel room door and saw him glaring at her.

As it all came back to her, she also felt the stabbing ache in her jaw and the burning sensation running through her arms as if it was on fire.

“You bitch. Who did you go to meet?” He fisted her jaw. She went down, landing on the beautiful Italian tiled floor.
“You want other men to look at you? F&*%*#@* whore! Just like your father. You want to sleep around.” Kick to her face but her arms were up trying to block him. She blacked out.

As Shardha remembered what just happened to her, and her baby’s cries became more frantic; she lifted herself onto her elbows, then onto her haunches. She stood up and steadied herself on the wash basin as her head spun.She finally managed to fully open her eyes. She saw herself in the mirror; bloodied and wretched.

Her heart ripped itself in two as it called out to her “When did you become the woman in the bathroom?”

Shock turned to focus. Her baby’s cry sobered her fully as the realisation of the weight of her life came crashing down on her. Her daughter was not going to be like her. Not ever.

She went to her baby. She knew what she had to do. Run.

THE END

Glossary: South African Indian slang particular to Indians who moved from Durban to Johannesburg in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

Bru: Close mate or friend

Swaer: Brother-in-law

Sissie: Sister

Chuning/Chun: Telling/Told

Disability Advocacy November 20, 2018

Parenting: Being Courageous even in Uncertainty

This past weekend we attended our friends sons’ birthday party where they had an amazing Wild Animals Educational show. My daughter, Savannah and the birthday boy, Kurt have been friends since they were little children. We have attended a few parties at his home and Maggie, Kurt’s mum throws the best birthday parties for him. When I told Savannah that we would be attending the party, she immediately inquired if there would be animals. She remembered that Maggie usually has an animal show for Kurt’s parties. This made Savannah a bit anxious because unlike Kurt, she does not like animals very much. The only animals she loves are our two Labradors.

Yes, that is a Tarantula on my hand. And yes, it is alive!

As a person with special needs, Savannah requires a fair amount of support in some situations and this time was no different. We had to make sure that she was emotionally and mentally prepared before the party to cope with her anxiety and concerns. One way of doing this was to reassure her that there would be no pressure on her to engage with the animals. We discussed with her that her daddy would sit with her as far away as possible from where the animals would be. She was happy with this arrangement and began looking forward to the party.

On the day of the party, Savannah did not back out from joining us as she usually does and was excited and happy to attend. Kurt, Maggie, her family and friends are some of the nicest people we know and Michael and I were looking forward to being in their company. As expected the party was relaxed and easy for Savannah. She was also very happy to see Kurt. Before the animals arrived, she repeatedly confirmed with Michael that as agreed, he would sit with her away from the animals.

Julian from the WILD ONES Educational Show arrived in his bakkie (South African word for a small pick-up vehicle) full of cages and containers. We watched Julian set up, and Michael and I with some trepidation watched Savannah, watching Julian set up. A few years ago at Kurt’s party, Savannah clung to me for the duration of the party and was miserable and cross because she was so mortified by the animals.

As an autistic person, Savannah’s perception of some situations is different. What might feel fun and exciting to us can be uncomfortable and frightening for Savannah. In order for the whole family to enjoy life together, Michael and I had to make peace with the fact that Savannah will always require some level of support in many situations. Fear is a debilitating emotion and we know that Savannah’s fears are real enough for her, and therefore warrants our respect and patience.

That was the mindset that we had at the party but to our surprise and delight, Savannah decided to join everyone in the area of the garden where the animal show was going to take place. Julian kicked off the show by introducing us to a tarantula. Yikes! I know. I never thought I would hold a spider nor one as scary as a tarantula. But Savannah was watching Michael and I with keen caution, and so I held out my hand and took the spider. Then I held a bearded dragon and a barn owl and the list goes on.

Eli let a Corn Snake coil around him as Savannah watched in amazement.

Then he coaxed her into touching a bunny which we named Peter Rabbit for her benefit. That was one of her favourite childhood books.

Michael who is by no means an animal lover delighted her by holding a tarantula and whistled to a Cockatiel, coaxing it away from my shoulder to his shoulder.

I struggled to fight back the tears when we met the barn owl. Some years back she was caught in a trap and had lost one leg. So she cannot fly and is fully dependent on Julian for her food. As a mother to a daughter who uses a wheelchair and a sister to a brother who is an amputee; that little owl represented the vulnerability and the tenacity that I saw in my daughter, in my brother and in Kurt. More than that, Julian’s care and commitment to this sweet bird spoke volumes about something all of us at the party understand but rarely see outside of our lives as families of people with disabilities.

That is the act of simply caring for one another. Not based on what we will gain or what we will lose, but only for the reason that we are human and we have compassion.

Often people look at Savannah or Kurt and they feel pity. Understandably so because they see themselves as having more abilities than our children do. Often we as families are judged from their limited viewpoint about what we are doing and what we are not doing for all our children. Here’s the thing though: We are here caring until forever. We are constantly finding delight in life no matter what fears and unknowns and awkwardness and frustrations we face. So the pity we get is actually misguided. It belongs to the rest of the world. While our lives take us to difficult places in our hearts:

we know what “unconditional” means.
we know what depths of love and care truly exists in the human spirit, and
we know just how shallow so many lives are because they have not yet learned to give without counting the loss or the gain.

We knew from the beginning that parenting would be a daily exercise of giving of ourselves. It would be letting go of fears and showing up for our children no matter how we were feeling.

What we learnt was that parenting a child who has special needs is sometimes about giving all of yourself. It is about conquering those fears every moment of every day and learning to live with passion and joy knowing full well that your worst fears for your child can become your reality.

We do not know when Savannah will be keen to attend another event so we soaked up the afternoon with Kurt, his family and those glorious animals. We were carefree and delighted as we held tarantulas and snakes. Now that is a great paradox for the life we live, isn’t it?

Being courageous even when our hearts are uncertain.

A very special “Thank You” to Kurt, Maggie, Kevin (Kurt’s dad), Gabriella (Kurt’s sister) and their extended family for being one of the bravest, nicest people we know.

SA Mommy Blogger Awards 2017 November 19, 2018

SA Mommy Blogger Awards: Best Social Media Expert went to Choose A Row

If you are new to social media and might be wondering how ever do people earn a living from posting photographs, then you need to know about the blog ChooseARow by Teri Row. Teri was the winner of the Best Social Media Award from the SA Mommy Blogger Awards.

Teri’s blog answers all your questions about social media and working with brands. She herself is a brand manager and a social media expert. She is also a mommy. How does she juggle it all? Teri clearly loves what she does and from her posts, you know that she is a master of her trade.

Teri’s winning posts were “Don’t be fooled yoh! What brands need to know.“. Teri expertly explains how to work with brands and what to consider in becoming a social media influencer.

I loved Teri’s other winning post because it is so relevant at this time of year. I myself am a newbie at social media and it can be daunting to post consistently in order to remain relevant and influential. However over the silly season, this can be quite tricky as the call to relax and unwind beckons us. What will become of our social media platforms? Will we be erased from the internet if we don’t post over December? Well, Teri clears that up in her post “The Silly Season Switch Off”

Teri, thank you for sharing this valuable information, and for empowering other women and mothers too. You definitely deliver “kick ass content” and you embody “the spirit to succeed”.

A Million Beautiful Pieces November 7, 2018

I Am Weighing In On The Weight Issue

It’s the most wonderful time of year. Or is it?

Are you dreading the holiday season? Seeing family or friends who you would rather not see? Having to attend or host dinner parties you would rather not be part off? Trying to accommodate your spouses’ family while your own family have their expectations of you?

Maybe you already know that financially this is going to be a tight Christmas, and you can’t say that out loud without feeling like Scrooge? Or maybe you have gained a few pounds this year and the thought of going home for Christmas when you know that aunty “I must comment on your weight” will be visiting; is petrifying you.

And that is where I will start off this series of blog posts as together we wind down this year. For today I want to share some thoughts and ideas about how to deal with unsolicited comments about physical appearance. Over the next few weeks we will get to the other stuff like depression, isolation, and how to look after yourself when your life doesn’t look like the Hallmark Christmas Movies.
But for now let’s just weigh this important issue.

Firstly, why oh why is this even a topic of conversation? I’ve never understood why I’ve had to hear comments like “Oh my word, you are so fat” or “That dress is lovely but sleeveless is not right for you. Your arms are too big.” Or the other way “My word, you’ve lost so much weight. Is everything okay?” Or “I was telling ______________ that you look so much better now that you lost weight. You were looking terrible last Christmas.”

I entered Mrs South Africa after loosing some weight but I was still not exactly a “small” lady.

Why would anyone ever begin a conversation like this? Or for that matter even bring this up in conversation. Its mind-boggling that these interactions are still part of our social contexts when we are living in an age when both men and women have emotional issues that stem from having a poor body image of themselves.

We are taught from a young age to make excuses for family and friends who taunt with their crude comments. We tell ourselves that it is only cultural or that is just the way they are. I will also include here that even negative comments about skin colour, choice of clothing or hair style, comments about how a persons’ body has changed due to pregnancy or after medical issues or actually anything to do with physical appearance of any sort; are simply not topics of conversation at any time of the year, let alone during the holiday season.

Of course genuine, positive comments like ”You look lovely” or “I’m so glad to see you and I love your dress” or simply “It’s so good to see you” are perfectly fine and it makes spending time with our family and friends so much sweeter. When comments are unflattering, one cannot imagine the unnecessary hurt that it causes.

I’ve been in this situation a few times, and one incident is still so clear in my mind. I was collecting Talisa from school when I noticed an old family friend. He was an older gentleman, who I hadn’t seen in years. I was entering the school gate with many other parents when I saw him and I greeted him. He boomed out, “Oh Desirae it’s you. Oh my word. I didn’t even recognize you. You’ve put on so much weight.”

I was stunned to say the least. I had no idea how to respond to this in front of the other parents and particularly as I was feeling really depressed during this time. Savannah was recovering from an operation to her back and there were complications that we were coming to terms with. We were living in an upstairs unit in a townhouse complex. Eli was just over a year old and could not walk up or down the flight of stairs by himself. Everyday sometimes three times a day, I was carrying both Savannah and Eli up and down those stairs.

Savannah and I dancing at her 21st birthday party.

In the afternoons if I had five minutes to myself, I would dish up a large bowl of vanilla ice cream, squeeze a mountain of maple syrup onto it; down it and then continue with taking care of my three children. Hands up mums and dads if you have scoffed an entire box of chocolates or polished a bag of chips while your children needed your care! You know well enough what those days are like.

That time in our lives was so emotionally confusing as we delighted in Eli’s milestone of walking and were equally shattered as we realised that Savannah was losing her fight to keep walking. So yes, I ate the ice-cream and the cake and anything else that offered any sort of comfort. It didn’t matter that everything tasted like ash to me anyway. It was just the way I was coping.

That old mans’ comment felt so cruel and so shocking to my very soul. I felt like a failure: unable to stop the regression that was claiming Savannah’s walking, and unable to keep my weight down. Those words just made me hate myself for not being able to be thin and for not being able to keep Savannah walking. I am generally a practical and logical person but this brief meeting shattered me. And it gives you an idea of how a seemingly innocent quip, can be havoc for another person.

How did I free myself from allowing these shallow comments to hold me hostage in my misery?

*Do you know that you are a child of God and that it’s wrong to disrespect Gods creation?
First, I asked myself are these “weight commentators” that important ? Would they cope with a small percent of the challenges I have lived through? Even if they had their own challenges to survive, clearly if they are making hurtful comments, then their life challenges did not change them for the better. No. You can’t take anyone seriously when they have no depth of character. For myself when I meet people, I see more than a physical form. I see them as a child of God.

*Do you love yourself?
Then I asked myself what did I want? Really, did I want to be supermodel thin and have my body poked and peeled and worked at while Savannahs’ disability changed her body in a drastic painful way? No I didn’t want to look like a supermodel. I wanted to help Savannah to love herself even as her body started to work against her. For my own well-being and for my children, I learnt to love myself irrespective of what size dress I fit into.

*Do you know what a “good looking” body means for yourself?
I also asked myself to define what a good-looking body meant for me? My answer was that I wanted to wear clothing that flattered what I liked about my body without feeling ashamed. Fat arms and all. I also wanted to be able to run down the soccer field with Eli, wear high heels to impress Talisa and still lift Savannah when she needed it. I wanted to feel pretty good with myself whether I was a size fourteen or a size ten as long as I could do those things with my children. Now that would be a body to cherish.

This was the day Eli was selected to play football for the local district.

*Do you have a plan of how you will protect yourself from “weight commentators” this holiday season?
Lastly I asked myself how am I going to deal with shallow, misplaced comments about my physical appearance? The answer was I won’t. If a person is so base as to have the gall to say anything derogatory with the intent to cause shame, then they are not worth my time, my words, my respect or my love. It takes a mammoth task to encourage oneself when caring for a child with a disability. So I will not ever again allow anyone to set my soul off-balance into self-loathing. I do too much in a day to waste time picking myself up off the floor.

If you don’t have a plan to protect yourself, then grab a pen and page, and take some time to answer the *questions above and you will start working out your own plan on how to guard your personal space. That is what your body is. Your personal space. And no one may physically, verbally or emotionally violate your body. Got that?

Once you learn to respond to hurtful comments without feeling ashamed and angry, you will realise that your response will simply be a matter of stating facts. I taught my children how to do this after I worked out how to do it for myself. They know that if anyone dares to cross that line with them by making inappropriate comments about their physical appearance, then they have my permission to shut them down with statements like:
“Wow, that’s not nice to say.”
“You think like that? I’m glad you aren’t my mum or dad”.
“I like myself the way I am. If you don’t like me that’s your problem.”
“You be you and I’ll be me”, or Talisa’s own line said with a huge smile
“I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. I’m okay”.

Oh my friends, this Christmas the best gift you can give is to find your strength, keep your balance and maintain your peace.

Now, I’m off to indulge in a vegetarian hot dog on a buttered white roll with homemade potato chips and caramelised onions. And later while I watch today’s episode of Masterchef Australia, I will devour my Carb Clever Chocolate Bar.

Yum. Yum.

Parent Support October 31, 2018

Parenting: Here’s Why It Took A While For Me To Post That My Son Was Named “Player of the Year”

I took a while to write this post. In fact four days before my fingers actually hit the keyboard because I wanted to think about this a little more.

My son, Eli, was nominated by his football club team mates as Player Of The Year. Oh man, I was so thrilled for him. I couldn’t be at the awards and when Michael told me about it, his voice was filled with excitement. It was a deeply meaningful acknowledgement for both Eli and Michael because they have worked very hard for four years to develop Eli to play at this level.

Goalkeeper — Eli at a district tournament

I did not immediately share this news on social media. Last week I was astounded by the excitement that was generated when I shared a post about Eli’s achievement on the Kumon programme.

It was lovely to see that Eli’s achievement in Kumon was so encouraging to so many people but it also made me step back and re-evaluate why the response was so good and what does it mean to me and to my audience. The thing about the internet is that it’s not just about me and what I am sharing. It’s also about my audience and how this information impacts them.

As Savannah’s mother, I understand a little something about being “unable to achieve”. I also know that her unusual achievements have little appreciation in the wider social context. When she began her schooling career at age three, my social group had no idea about how hard we worked with Savannah to achieve simple skills such as holding her own bottle. It took her over seven years to learn how to throw a ball. She still cannot catch a ball unless it is thrown from very close to her and then only if she is alerted that a ball will be thrown to her.

I knew what it felt like to have a child whose report card read “not achieved”.

Over the years, as a parent and professional in the disability sector, I’ve learnt so much about the hard work and effort that so many children and their families put in to achieve their goals. Therefore today as a writer and speaker it is important to me to be responsible in sharing good and not so good stories. It begins with asking myself “why” am I sharing a piece of news and “what” do I want to achieve.

The only reason I share anything is to be a testament to Faith, Hope and Love. Eli achieving anything is not just that he has some gifts, but also that he works really hard in other areas of our lives too. As a family with a person with special needs, and who have minimal help, there are a fair amount of chores that the children have to assist with.

Amongst Eli’s responsibilities are clearing the garden of the dogs’ mess, feeding the dogs every evening while Talisa feeds them every morning, taking the laundry off the clothes line, taking the garbage out, making a fire (when necessary) and cleaning the fireplace, helping in the kitchen either with food prep or cleaning up, cleaning his own room and helping to set and clean the table around mealtimes.

Aside of this, Eli is a sibling to Savannah who sometimes needs assistance in different ways such as sorting out her computers or phone when there is a technical issue. Eli or Michael help her with this. When we attend parties or shows, Savannah also likes to have any recorded media on her devices so someone has to transfer it to her devices. Eli or Talisa usually take on this task.

Savannah needs to stretch by playing ball and she needs someone to take her outside and to throw the ball at a pace that is suitable for her. Eli, our resident sportsman becomes Savannah’s coach and works out with her.

Or when she wants to go for a walk, and I’m the available adult to take her but I actually don’t want to have to talk or listen anymore that day, Eli usually offers to accompany us, and keeps Savannah engaged with his happy banter.

Michael usually helps Savannah to bed, gives her medicines and prays with her. She sleeps much better when he does the bed time routine. But when he is not home, the only person who fills those shoes for Savannah is Eli. What it feels like listening to him go through Savannah’s routine is hard for me to describe. As a mother it just grips my heart and makes me feel like I am glowing from inside. What it does for Eli and for Savannah as siblings, is something one can only understand when you view life from this side of the field.

We know so well that life is full of surprises and challenges. We do not know what hurdles are still to come as Eli goes from boy to man. For now in this season, he has marked his life with these achievements and so I share his news. At eleven years old, while still developing and learning like any other boy of his age, he is also responsible in ways that many children aren’t expected to be or don’t have to be.

That is a testament to having learnt at a young age, that faith can move mountains, that hope is a lifeline and that when you love, you gain more than you give.

That brings me to “what” I want to achieve when I share posts about achievements. I want to encourage you that children can achieve so much more than we think is possible; provided that they are operating within their own abilities and their passions. I know how important it is for children to have the space to work for a dream, and then to have the space to bask in it’s glow when their dream becomes reality.

So for me, I share these moments of our lives not only to encourage a wider audience, but to also encourage my children. The internet is one giant diary, keeping an online record of our lives. Long after I’m gone these posts will be the relics my children and their children will sift through to learn about their past.

For Eli and Talisa, I want my writing to be a reminder to them of the amazing and wonderful ways God was with them and with their sister. As siblings to someone who will need care for her whole life, I hope that Talisa and Eli will find encouragement and strength when they grapple with issues unique to them. I hope that as they reflect on these posts they will remember what hurdles our family were jumping and why their achievements for its time were remarkable.

My own dream as a parent is inspired by the beautiful game:

I hope like that like a striker, I will keep my eye on the ball ever ready to take the tackles, and make the strike to benefit our family.
I hope like a great defender, I will know when to move forward and when to move back; never undermining my children’s abilities in the game of life.
I hope, like a goalkeeper during a penalty shootout, I will have broad enough shoulders to keep my chin up to return to the box time and time again to make a stand for my team.

Eli for Easterns Local Football Association under 10 Goalkeeper 2018

Most of all I hope I remember that just like a football coach knows that the game must challenge and test his players in order for them to be better, life will do the same to my children.

They must enter their own Theatre of Dreams to face the ball, to make their move and to learn to accept consequence thereof, for glory or defeat.

My greater hope is that when my children face their challenges: it will always change them for the better.

"We strive for perfection and if we fail, we might just have to settle for excellence." -Sir Matt Busby

SA Mommy Blogger Awards 2017 October 26, 2018

SA MOMMY Blogger Awards: Best Tear Jerker Award was Disney Mom Blog

Wow! I don’t often use exclamations in my writing but Sade’s winning blogs give voice to the experiences we often don’t want to talk about or don’t know how to express our emotions about it.

When I worked as an assistive technology advisor in the disability sector I witnessed so many stories of success and triumph. I also witnessed so much suffering. Both physical and emotional. I think the most complex was when a person with profound complications who was unable to care for themselves, eventually died. People think that the family would be relieved but so often even I, after assisting in as much as I could, would collapse at my desk in tears when I learned that the person had passed away.

Sade’s posts about her brothers tragic drowning at the tender age of three years old, and her mother’s heart wrenching death in 2017 after years of drug addiction; is an insight into the lives of the people left behind. Sade’s experiences of tragedy as a sibling and then later as a daughter, written while she is mommy to her beautiful son gives a face to what people survive to become the best versions of themselves.

Sade understood inexplicable pain already when she was six years old, and watched her family unravel in the face of her baby brothers drowning. Then she lost her mother to drug addiction and eventually to death.

Please read Sade’s beautiful posts and let’s remember that people who become addicts are also just people who are struggling to cope.

Sade thank you for your bravery, your honesty and your life. Your mother gave the world an amazing woman. For that, I honour her and you!

A Million Beautiful Pieces October 24, 2018

What’s Food Got To Do With It?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post “I feel you Maleficent“. This post was about my challenges in being organized as a primary caregiver while working-from-home.

It somewhat described the hills and valleys of my weeks. Last week being both a hill and a valley. It was one of those weeks when managing my commitments and time was tested. I was looking forward to a visit from friends from overseas as well as Talisa’s sixteenth birthday celebrations. We also had a fiftieth birthday party to attend that same Saturday before our friends were expected to arrive. There was shopping to be done and sleeping arrangements to be made, and a pending decision on how to celebrate Talisa’s birthday.

When I was younger, I couldn’t quite figure out how to be both a mother to a child with high needs as well as to fulfill the expectations on me because I was an Indian woman. Everyone took for granted that I must be able to cook up a storm and somehow that was a mark of accomplishment for a woman. While other people have been precious about ingredients and the way food must be served, I have only ever been precious about time.

How much time did it take to cook? How much time do I have to get Savannah ready? How much time do I have to race through the shops before I need to collect a child from school? How much time before Savannah has a meltdown? Eventually I would cancel the arrangements at the last moment because I just couldn’t cope. Then I lived with regret that I cancelled and the guilt that I was not living up to some imagined standard.

I was anxious because I thought that I had to impress people with my culinary skills. While no one said they expected that, it was hard not to feel this way. Socializing around food was something my extended family and friends enjoyed, and I did not have that in common with them.

Food is a sensitive subject in many families, and I suppose in a few other cultures too. When I was growing up, I remember the fabulous dishes my mother cooked. She is an outstanding caterer both in cooking and baking. But I also remember how tired she was afterwards and how she rarely ever sat with her guests and enjoyed them. So much of entertaining was about presenting the food and eating it at exactly the right temperature. She would leave the dinner table often to refill serving dishes and then afterwards she would be busy clearing it all away.

I knew I couldn’t do all of that she did and still be true to myself, yet I did like to entertain and I wanted some sort of organisation on how to do that so that it worked for my lifestyle. Over the years, as I’ve learnt to accept that I am not Wonder Woman nor do I have to be, I have also learnt to be confident in being true to my own abilities as an hostess. I had to juggle being a caregiver and a person who loved to entertain, and I had to figure out what that looked like for myself.

I made a choice to take every opportunity to live in the moment when possible. I will cook delicious meals with heart, when I have the time and energy: that could mean Breyani for my household on a weekday when Savannah sleeps until two in the afternoon, or samoosas and a packets of chips and biltong for guests when she is awake from four in the morning. But mostly whatever I was going to do, I would do with heart and with much respect and kindness to the cook (myself) and the guests.

So that being the background; when my friends visited we had an amazing twenty four hours of food, laughter and friendship. My mum prepared all the main dishes and Michael and I prepared the side dishes and snacks. We had returned from Kwa-Zulu Natal that morning after attending a funeral, and had not slept much in three days.

A few years ago, I would have dreaded having people over when everything wasn’t as perfect as I wanted it to be. But I now know very well that people are always more important than things and a moment passed never returns.

I miss out on many events and pass up many invitations because of my unusual work commitments and being Savannah’s primary caregiver. Therefore when the opportunity is within my scope to entertain and be around people I love it and I grab it with both hands and all my heart.

I was energized by my friends and by the time they left, I was inspired enough to turn my attention to Talisa’s birthday celebrations. She did not want a party and eventually I made a few easy platters for our families who visited Talisa.

It is my tradition that I never buy their cupcakes for school celebrations, and always make them myself. This year was no exception and I made Chocolate Fudge Cupcakes for Talisa to take to school.

With that was done, the children off to school and Savannah still asleep; I made breakfast for myself with a large mug of white cappuccino, sat in my favourite spot and watched the movie “The Light Between Oceans”.

I loved that I regretted nothing!

I hope that you feel free to cook up a storm or …not.
More so I hope that you give yourself and the women around you the freedom to do the same.

A Million Beautiful Pieces October 23, 2018

A few weeks ago I wrote a post “I feel you Maleficent” http://amillionbeautifulpieces.co.za/2018/09/26/i-feel-you-maleficent . This post was about my challenges in being organized as a primary caregiver while working-from-home. This is an excerpt from that post:

“As an autistic person with physically complex needs and as someone who is struggling to come to terms with the reality of her life, Savannah largely lives within her own time zone. Some days she might wake up at seven o’ clock in the morning and the next day she might wake up at two o’clock in the afternoon. Sleep is a fluid thing for her. On a good night she will wake up twice. On a not so good night we may get four hours of sleep. Of course she recovers the lost sleep …in her own time. We don’t.

When she is awake she needs some physical help. She also tends to perseverate on certain topics and may ask me the same question a few dozen times or may tell me something a few dozen times. She has some medical issues for which neither her doctors or I have worked out as yet when to expect a flare up. Thus being flexible, patient and kind is the mountain I already knew I would have to climb all day and everyday from here on out.

That is not easy for me. I’d love to tell you that I follow some programme on how to maintain my peace but sadly I am still a work in progress. I am frustrated sometimes that I am limited by what I can do.”

So that post somewhat describes the hills and valleys of my weeks. Last week being both a hill and a valley. It was one of those weeks when managing my commitments and time was tested. I was looking forward to a visit from friends from overseas as well as Talisa’s sixteenth birthday celebrations. We also had a fiftieth birthday party to attend that same Saturday before our friends were expected to arrive.

I love entertaining and I am energized by people. However being a caregiver and being self employed means that sometimes the grandiose ideas I have in my head don’t always make it to the food table in exactly how I planned it to be. When I was younger, I would become annoyed that I could not create exactly what I wanted. I would be cross and moody, yelling at my family to help me to lay tables and finish off dishes, usually resetting what they did.

Over the years, as I’ve learnt to accept that I am in fact not Wonder Woman, I asked myself what was the point of all this drama and self inflicted stress? What exactly did I want my children to remember about their home life and how we entertained? I definitely did not want them to dread entertaining or to remember my Maleficent personality.

I made a choice then to just take every opportunity to live in the moment when possible. I know better than most, that no moment is guaranteed.

Someone once said I overthink too much. Well on days like last Tuesday, I was glad that I did. I had already arranged with my mum to prepare parts of the meal before I went to Durban. Therefore I am fortunate that my mother, who is an excellent cook and baker, lives on our property and she enjoys cooking far more than I do. So together, we compliment each other’s skills in entertaining. For the other parts of the meals, I knew I could rely on my repertoire of food ideas that were easy to put together with the ingredients I had in my kitchen.

We had an amazing twenty four hours of food, laughter and friendship with our friends. I was energized by their visit, and by the time they left, I was inspired enough to turn my attention to Talisa’s birthday celebrations. She did not want anything at all, and eventually I only made a few easy to prepare dishes like samoosas, when our families visited Talisa to acknowledge her sixteenth. My sweet corn bake is pretty yummy and I’ve added the recipe below.

The point of this post though is not to provide you with recipes, but to remind you that life passes quickly. I used to think that I will entertain when I have the right dining-room table, a better patio set, when I’m less tired, when I have more time and the list goes on. Then a few years ago, I realized that life may never be what I want it to be and before I know it everyone I love will have moved on. So I decided to make the most of every moment, with simplicity and honesty.

After all the festivities, I made Chocolate Fudge cupcakes (recipe also in comments) for Talisa to take to school for a celebration with her friends. It is my tradition that I never buy their cupcakes, and always make them myself. This year was no exception because my Chocolate Fudge Cupcakes are so easy and quick to make. With the children off to school and Savannah still asleep, I made myself breakfast with a white cappuccino, and sat in my favourite spot while watching the movie “The Light Between Oceans”.

SA Mommy Blogger Awards 2017 October 18, 2018

SA MOMMY Blogger Awards: Best Wisdom Giver was Baby Guide for the Modern Mother

As you already know my children have long been weaned, potty trained and can pretty much entertain themselves independently. Well, two out of three of my children are for the most part, independent. Savannah still needs mama in different ways.

I surprised myself by how much I enjoyed reading Letitia Venter’s blogs which crowned her Best Wisdom Giver for the SA Mommy Blogger Awards 2017 which is this weeks feature on my blog. New moms in my social circle often seek me out for advice and in future it will be nice to point them to Letitia’s blog.

Her first winning blog “Dear New Mom, A Summary of a What You Should Know” is an easy read with practical advice that any new, sleep-deprived, panic-stricken, breast feeding or bottle feeding mum will find very useful. Letitia is also a trained Lactation Consultant who does volunteer work in her community.

Letitia’s second winning blog had me saying “Amen” and “Hallelujah” every couple seconds. It is “Physical and Mental Delays Caused by Baby Walkers and Jumpers” https://babyguideforthemodernmother.com/delays-caused-by-baby-walkers-and-jumpers.html. I have been against the use of walkers and jumpers for babies because I learnt early in my motherhood journey, the negative impact these baby mobility products have on a child’s development. This post helps new parents to think through the reasons why they should not use these type of baby products.

Letitia shares her research and wisdom with an amazing amount of respect and knowledge. I think this is a must follow blog for all new parents.

Letitia’s blog, “Baby Guide for the Modern Mother” is a great link to share at Baby Showers. Letitia, I wish you all the very best as you parent your little one and support your community of new mothers too.

Parent Support October 10, 2018

Parenting: The Best Advice From a Dad to His Famous Daughter

A few days ago I posted a quote about parents empowering their children.

It’s a tricky business being a parent. The intense roller coaster of emotions that we experience while knowing we are fully responsible for another human is safely the hardest journey to be on. It is also definitely the deepest, most beautiful bond we can ever experience.

And this entanglement of emotions can sometimes cause parents to be down right “crazy”. We have to know how much responsibility to give our children and when they are ready for different levels of responsibility. We have to teach them to be strong, brave, independent and maintain their sense of curiosity, while we are supposed to also protect them. Once you become a parent, the whole independence thing just seems way too overrated. I mean, it’s completely plausible that a child can be dependent on their parents for a while? Maybe until they are twenty-five or maybe even thirty?

There I go doing the crazy parent ramble. The one that makes children want to panic.

But have no fear my friends. I’ve never been the parent who wants to hold my children to me forever. I’ve always maintained that I am raising them to leave because I know that they will be fully capable of eventually building their own lives. Michael and I are fully committed to our vision that our children will be their own heroes. Even for Savannah,who is likely to never leave home, there are still some areas of independence that Michael and I expect from her.

Therefore it was a great delight to me when my mother and Talisa showed me the video (link below) of the speech Deepika Padukone gave when she received the FilmFare award for Best Actress two years ago.

Deepika Padukone is the darling of the Bollywood Film industry and has the world at her fingertips. She read a letter that her father Prakash Padukone, a Badminton legend for India wrote to her sister and her. It’s a wonderful example of how to give our children wings while keeping their hearts humble.

Enjoy watching this touching video of a parent child bond that is filled with love, trust and faith. Then let me know in the comments what your best advice is to your young adult children.

https://youtu.be/TuZRUMpnTkA