A couple of weeks ago, I shared with you that I was one of the speakers at a workshop “Investment In Self”. The event was hosted by Nadia Marillier of Tranquil and Tenacious Minds.
I prepared this piece titled “I Am Every Woman” in forty-five minutes on the morning of the event. Though I had been mulling over it in my mind for about a month, the inspiration of how to write it, only came to me ten hours before I was scheduled to speak.
I am proud of this piece. It is a condensed version of my life story and the events that shaped me told with honesty. I read somewhere that “When you can tell your story without crying, then you know you have healed”.
Here is a written excerpt: “I am the woman who despite the odds, managed to not just survive my life. I managed to thrive in it. I understand today that the star-dust that my life was sprinkled with when I was born, did not turn into ash after a raging fire. Oh no, no, that would not be right. That star-dust was only the embers of the fire that was being kindled within me.”
As many of you know I work from home while being a caregiver to my adult daughter who is a person with special needs. I am not a professional at using a camera or adjusting sound so I hope you will be forgiving of this when you watch the video. I have a new camera that was gifted to me and I am still learning how to use that so hopefully I will produce better quality videos in the future.
I am however a lover of words and I believe God has gifted me to share the “hard stuff” to touch someone else’s life and in my small way to change the world to be a little kinder and forgiving of each other. So I feel I can’t wait to make perfect videos before I share some of my material with you. As I mentioned I make a living from speaking and writing. By sharing this video you increase my opportunities to work and to take care of my family. For that I will be very appreciative.
If you would like me to hear about specific topics please let me know in the comments. For now, here is “I Am Every Woman”.
My first story is a fictional story “The Women In The Bathroom” and has been in the making for a few weeks. It’s serious and hopeful and was written to support the #UNWomen’s #HearMeToo campaign and the #16Days of Activism For Non-Violence Against Women and Children Campaign.
(Please note the content and language may be explicit for some readers)
The Women In The Bathroom
Shardha squeezed the Colgate toothpaste on the toothbrush, and hoped that Nandha wouldn’t moan that it wasn’t Aquafresh like they used at home. In her haste to pack their school uniforms and books, she didn’t think about packing toothpaste.
“Nandha, we are going to be late. Hurry up.” She tried to whisper across the passage from the bathroom to the bedroom where her brother and her had slept last night. He was always dragging his feet but she knew after what happened last night, it would be harder for him to get going today.
She could hear her aunty Raksha in the kitchen. Her aunty was newly married to their maternal uncle Mitchell but Shardha and Nandha felt as if they knew her forever. Shardha was grateful that aunty Raksha had the sense to suggest that Nandha and her stay at their home last night.
The night before seemed in one part like a distant memory yet in another part she could remember every word yelled between her parents; when every punch and kick happened and she could still see the madness in her fathers’ eyes as he pounded her mother.
“Some things you can’t unsee”
Nandha and her were also yelling and crying; begging him to stop but he just hit their mother harder. Their screams were heard by their neighbours who like so many times before, knew to phone their uncle Mitchell.
Shardha was a pro at calming down her brother enough so that atleast he didn’t make a noise when he cried. Her mother staggered to the bathroom, ignoring the whimpers of her children. Or maybe she was deaf after all the yelling? Shardha found that easier to believe. When uncle Mitchell and aunty Raksha arrived, their father was gone. Shardha opened the door and then the big gate. Her mother was still in the bathroom.
Every time he did this, her father left for a while. Sometimes it was just a few hours. Other times it was weeks before he returned. Then when he came back, it was like nothing happened. Mum and dad would be happy again until the next time she spoke out of turn or forgot to ask his permission before she bought something or who knows what silly things she did to make him angry.
Shardha’s thoughts were interrupted by Nandha. He came into the bathroom, his eyes puffy from crying himself to sleep; and the same terrified look he had the night before. Shardha, handed him his toothbrush and whispered to him to please try to hurry up. Then, quite unexpectedly the bathroom door flung open causing both children to jump with fright. Aunty Raksha stumbled in. She looked away from the children while she leaned over the bath tub and opened the tap.
Shardha thought she saw red on her aunty’s hand but her mind resisted the allusion to what it might be and she tried to dismiss it. But she couldn’t unsee the deep red stream flowing from her aunty’s face, mingling with the water as it cascaded down the drain. She knew, she knew that her aunty was silently crying and a scary idea entered her mind.
Did her father come here and do this to her aunty ? Was he cross that she had taken them with her? Was he in the flat right now? Shardha’s mind was racing as she tried to understand why her aunty was also a woman in the bathroom like her mother.
Just as her confusion was becoming panic, her aunty stood up with a towel over her mouth and nose and said “Shardha go get your lunches from the kitchen. I’ll take Nandha down to the car. Go get your bag, Nandha.” Shardha knew better to ask her aunty anything now. She went to the door, opened it and listened. She couldn’t hear her fathers’ voice. She could only hear her uncle getting ready in his bedroom.
She slipped out of the bathroom and walked slowly down the passage to the kitchen. There were the lunches. She grabbed them and turned back hoping to catch aunty Raksha and Nandha and to walk down with them. As she turned back into the passage, she could hear her uncle talking to his friend from next door. They were on the balcony off the lounge.
Uncle Mitchell sounded so angry. “Bloody bitch. She thinks she is too smart.”
Uncle Mervin asked him “What? Raksha? What happened bru? She wasn’t looking right when I saw her on the stairway now. She having a problem with your sissies kids being here?”
“No f&*%! Not problem with the kids. No, no she likes them. She wanted to bring them last night. My sister and my swaer got into it again. So we brought the children here while they cool off. But this bitch, thinks because we took the children, she can talk about my sissie. This morning she was chuning me that my sissie must think about the children. She said my sissie can’t keep letting the children see this. What the f&*%? She thinks she knows better than my sissie?
Shardha drew a deep breath. Her eyes widened in horror. She knew why aunty Raksha had a bloody nose and mouth. The tears filled her eyes and her throat felt dry and painful.
“I clouted her a solid one. Bloody sh**.”
Uncle Mervin “ Hey bru, sometimes you have to show these things their place. Your wife, you know with her education and all, she needs to be brought down a bit. Good you showed her quickly how to shut the f&*% up. “
“She finally managed to fully open her eyes.”
Shardha tip toed down the passage, not wanting to see her uncle and not wanting to hear anymore. She was just six years old when she understood that nowhere was safe if you were a woman.
Twelve years later, that memory came back to her as clear as day. Somewhere in the distance, she could hear a baby crying. It took her a few seconds to realize that it was her baby that was crying.
Her eyelids felt so heavy as she tried to open it. She became aware of the cold tiles against her cheeks. Then she remembered. He was angry because she left the hotel room to buy food for the baby. She didn’t wait for him to come back.
How could she? The baby was hungry and he was already an hour later than he said he would be. So she raced like a mad woman to buy mash and gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken. But she was wrong to leave. She knew, she knew it as soon as she opened the hotel room door and saw him glaring at her.
As it all came back to her, she also felt the stabbing ache in her jaw and the burning sensation running through her arms as if it was on fire.
“You bitch. Who did you go to meet?” He fisted her jaw. She went down, landing on the beautiful Italian tiled floor.
“You want other men to look at you? F&*%*#@* whore! Just like your father. You want to sleep around.” Kick to her face but her arms were up trying to block him. She blacked out.
As Shardha remembered what just happened to her, and her baby’s cries became more frantic; she lifted herself onto her elbows, then onto her haunches. She stood up and steadied herself on the wash basin as her head spun.She finally managed to fully open her eyes. She saw herself in the mirror; bloodied and wretched.
Her heart ripped itself in two as it called out to her “When did you become the woman in the bathroom?”
Shock turned to focus. Her baby’s cry sobered her fully as the realisation of the weight of her life came crashing down on her. Her daughter was not going to be like her. Not ever.
She went to her baby. She knew what she had to do. Run.
THE END
Glossary: South African Indian slang particular to Indians who moved from Durban to Johannesburg in the 1970’s and 1980’s.
If you are new to social media and might be wondering how ever do people earn a living from posting photographs, then you need to know about the blog ChooseARow by Teri Row. Teri was the winner of the Best Social Media Award from the SA Mommy Blogger Awards.
Teri’s blog answers all your questions about social media and working with brands. She herself is a brand manager and a social media expert. She is also a mommy. How does she juggle it all? Teri clearly loves what she does and from her posts, you know that she is a master of her trade.
I loved Teri’s other winning post because it is so relevant at this time of year. I myself am a newbie at social media and it can be daunting to post consistently in order to remain relevant and influential. However over the silly season, this can be quite tricky as the call to relax and unwind beckons us. What will become of our social media platforms? Will we be erased from the internet if we don’t post over December? Well, Teri clears that up in her post “The Silly Season Switch Off”
Teri, thank you for sharing this valuable information, and for empowering other women and mothers too. You definitely deliver “kick ass content” and you embody “the spirit to succeed”.
Here I am in the final week of semi final judging for the Tammy Taylor Mrs South Africa Women Empowerment Programme. I’m not nervous. I’m both excited and nostalgic as I think about my best moments so far.I’ve lost weight and found my energy and strength again. I’ve been forced to take better care of myself and that has been good for me. In my motivational talks to women, I always drive home the point that we must be kind to ourselves first but I did not know how to do that before this competition.
I’ve also met amazing people. The staff and owners at the BloBar and Meyersdal Nail and Beauty Studio with their vibrancy and laughter was always refreshing. My cousins too have taught me so much about belief and empowerment and love. Through their companies, Shipping and General Transport and Supreme Rubber Rollers they gifted me the opportunity to “do me” by sponsoring me for this competition.
My sister-in-law took care of all my social media so that I could juggle everything else. My mum, my aunts and my girlfriends pulled together outfits like fairy godmothers. My husband and children have been so supportive and respectful of the times I had to be away from them.
People have written to me or called me or stopped me at events to tell me that they admire me for doing this competition at this age and as a mother of three. Women have shared that they are re-evaluting their lives and weighing up what challenges they would like to tackle.
It makes me glad to know that my journey to explore my womanhood in this way is meaningful to other women too. It’s been a wonderful opportunity and I am proud of myself for doing this.
I also recognise too that I am not on a journey of discovery because I already found myself at the age of twenty-two years old. I knew then who I was and what I was made off.
This journey this year has been about showing my second daughter Talisa that life is more than just facing down one challenge after another. It’s also about enjoying the moment and having a sense of adventure. I got to step out of my comfort zone and meet people I would not ordinarily have met.
The other semi-finalists are each amazing and powerful in the own right. I couldn’t have been amongst a group of more beautiful ladies both inside and out.
So here’s to them; for their drive, their determination, their friendship and our sisterhood. I will be sad that after Friday we will never all be together again. The top twenty-five Mrs South Africa finalists will be announced and their lives will never be the same.
In all the possibilities that lie before me, I am sure of this: I’ve given all of me to the people that count and to the opportunities that were presented to me. I know for sure who I am, and that is my gift to me.
When you give, it shall be given to you; a good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over
That is what immediately comes to my mind when I think of the founder of Doreen’s Door of Hope. Abigail Runganaikulu and her husband Colin Runganaikulu, are the owners of N&R Fittings http://nandrfittings.co.za/ and stalwarts in our community in Johannesburg South. They have had their share of heartaches and challenges over the years in struggling to conceive another baby after they had their son Ryan. Just as Ryan was ready to begin his married life, Abigail miraculously fell pregnant and in a few short years she had a second son, Caleb and then also became a grandmother when Ryan and his wife had their baby boy. Abigail is our modern day Sarah.
However not too long after Caleb’s birth, Abigail was diagnosed with breast cancer. At the same time both her parents were aging and endured their own traumatic medical challenges. Abigail chronicles her story about this painful time in her insightful book “My Stupid Brain Was Cut Off With My Right Breast”. It is a really great read about one woman’s ups and downs; her love; her heartaches but most importantly her tremendous sense of self and of her God. Abigail’s ability to share her life openly and honestly makes you feel as if you have known her all your life.
Having recovered from Cancer after an intense treatment and raising a new baby; Abigail also faced another challenge: the loss of her mentor and role model, her mother Doreen Challen. As a tribute to her mother’s own powerful story of a young girl born into harsh circumstances and having to deal with trauma and pain from a very young age, Abigail founded Doreen’s Door of Hope Centre in Lenasia. When I read Doreen’s life story on the website https://www.ddh.center/ , I was moved.
I am from the same part of Johannesburg and I could identify with certain aspects of Doreen’s story. I immediately wanted to be involved in some way because Doreen’s story and Abigail’s story resonated so strongly with me.
For that reason I am honored to be attending Doreen’s Door of Hope’s first charity fundraising event; A Masquerade Ball on 18 May 2018, as a Tammy Taylor Mrs South Africa semi-finalist. I feel privileged to be in the company of women like Abigail and the rest of her team, namely Catharina Stoltz, Charmaine Naidoo, Savina Naidoo and Charmaine Berndt.
The Masquerade Ball will take place at 6pm at the beautiful Thaba Eco Hotel.
Please see details on the invite below and contact one of the ladies today to get your tickets or to get involved with Doreen’s Door of Hope.
Yes, I’ve entered Mrs South Africa. No, I am not having a mid-life crisis or a re-visit to my years when I was a girl that dabbled a little in modelling.
I am in fact having a reawakening; a renewal if you will. I will be forty this year and I have spent all my adult life dedicated to giving my daughter Savannah, who is a person with special needs, a life of dignity and value while building our family.
I have raised my second daughter, Talisa with the understanding that life is not always fair but you still have to be fair.
Over the years Talisa watched me patiently teach her sister a great many lessons. Some of which Savannah grasped and other lessons she may never learn.
Talisa understands the fight of a mother who didn’t quit. She knows STRONG because she is raised by a strong woman and is a sibling to a strong woman.
This year Talisa will also know that strength is also Beautiful not only tired. Strength is not only long suffering but it is also Joyful. Strength is not only the ability to keep going when life doesn’t go your way but it is also the ability to do it with Grace.
Being a mother to a child with special needs already made me a strong and confident woman but the chance to compete in the Tammy Taylor Mrs South Africa Women Empowerment programme makes me a strong and powerful woman with a cause beyond my community.
My community are the mothers who are caring for adult children. Those mothers who quit careers to become carers. Or who are working hard to provide for their families while coping with facing forever with an adult who will never be able to care for themselves. They are the woman who are left behind (posted on, 15 February 2018 http://amillionbeautifulpieces.co.za/2018/02/15/sue-robins-left-behind/).
My community are the mothers who make quiet sacrifices yet continue to uplift their communities. The mothers who continously fight for their child’s right to dignity and quality of life and do it without the need for recognition or being hailed as a hero. The mothers whose lives are bound to their child with special needs in ways no one else will understand, and they accept that no one ever will. Yet everyday they rise to do it all again.
For my community, and proudly as Talisa’s mother, I am excited to join with the 99 other #bonfide women as we jointly pursue the crown in honour of all women. Sounds strange doesn’t it, but it is what only women can do… Work together even though we already know there will be one winner. As women, we understand that often in life it is the journey that is often the prize, not the destination. However, the destination is a lovely reward.
For Talisa, I hope this year you will learn that being a woman is fun and exhilarating. I hope that as I put myself first, you too will learn to do the same.
For Savannah I hope as I pursue a dream, you will find your motivation again. Life is hardest on you but you are by far the strongest woman I know. I promised you “I would not change you for the world, I’d change the world for you” (author unknown), and I will always hold true to that.
For my readers, I hope you stay with me on this journey as I rediscover the joys of being a woman who already has the heart of a warrior.
Why? Because women need women, and for once I need to do something that doesn’t need reason or logic. I still get the opportunity to share myself in the way that is true to who I am, by inspiring and working alongside others for a cause.
I need you to please follow me and interact with me on the following platforms: To vote for me: Annelize I’ll add this later at my laptop.
