‘‘Twas the night before school began and all was solemn and all was sad”.
Well that’s how it felt in my house. Talisa and Eli were feeling nervous as they prepared for grade ten and grade five respectively. Eli, a little more so because he was also beginning his school year in a new school.
I don’t believe in assuming what Savannah might be thinking, but just as I imagine what I’d like Talisa or Eli to think about me, sometimes I imagine what deeper conversations are denied to Savannah and I because of her disability.
“I know different” by Tricia Proefrock helps my imagination and lightens some of the burdens of my heart. May it do the same for those of you who walk the same path. And may it help you to be Different to us if you are not on this path.
Dear mommy,
I have felt your tears, falling on my face. Someone else might think they are tears of sadness, because of what I can’t do…I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know those tears pour from your heart out of gratitude for me, because of what I CAN do : I can love everyone in the purest form possible.
Unconditionally. I can be judged, but will never judge in return. I know different because I feel, in your hugs and kisses, that I’m perfect just the way I am.I have seen you hang your head down in shame, when we go out on adventures. Someone else might think you are ashamed of having a child like me…I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know you are ashamed of the grown-ups who ignore me, yet talk happily to all the other children. The grown-ups who won’t look you in the eye, but stare at me, when they think you don’t see. I know different because I’ve seen the many, many more times you have raised your head up high, with pride, because I’m yours. : )
I have heard you whispering desperate prayers at night. Someone else might think you are asking God to make me a typical kid…I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know you are thanking Him that I got to be here, with you, for another day- exactly how I am. I know different because I have heard you ask me never to leave you. And I have heard you cheer for me, every single day of my life- you tell me I don’t need to be typical to be amazing, I just need to be here.
I know you have a big job, taking care of me. I know your body hurts, because I’m getting so big. I know that more than anything, you want to hear me say your name. And I know you worry that you aren’t good enough, and that you will fail me…BUT I KNOW DIFFERENT MOMMY.
I know that even on your worst days, you will always be enough for me, and I will always love you more than you know.
I matriculated from a Catholic School where mass always ended with Father Dryden’s greetings “Peace be upon you”, to which we replied “and also with you”.
Over these last few weeks that greeting resurfaced in my memory. In the middle of a storm in my heart that greeting became a rainbow. A promise of something I thought I would never know: Peace
As an ordinary Christian for the last 17 years I read many times about the Peace that Christ left for us. But I never understood it because in the reality of my life, Peace seemed like a fairytale.
This year has taught me so much about people, about love, about acceptance, about family, about my roots and about God.
I have spent too many years of my adult life trying to emulate the women around me especially the leading ladies in churches and the ladies in my social circle. I was never as miserable as those times in my life.
I felt more lonely, confused and wretched when trying to fit into their ideas of being a woman. As a parent to a child with special needs with a constantly changing diagnosis, I was always on the outside of their circle anyway and it took a mammoth effort on my part to just engage with other mothers.
Every now and then I’d be brought in from the outside of the circle for a hug and a measured out pouring of love which I gratefully accepted as my portion. Every now and then a head bowed in my direction in recognition of my potential. But when I asked for what I really needed or bared my very sad soul, their inability to handle my truth taught me then that as a woman, wife and mother, I was on my own.
This year, for the first time ever I found strength in that. Mentors are great when equality and respect flow both ways, but sometimes, for some, the only mentor good enough for the job, is God himself.
Now I’m no great theologian or scholar of the Bible but I’ve understood profoundly and soul deep that my life has been moulded by a master craftsman. I’ve survived too much heartache and have overcome unbelievable challenges for me to believe anything less.
This year was our greatest challenge as a family but we attended five weddings, three bridal showers, gave four parties and showed up for my extended family and friends whenever we could. I served on a board for an NGO while also being employed in a job where I witness deep heartaches and sweet miracles daily.
All this sometimes on too little sleep or no sleep; sometimes with a couple hundred invisible band aids on my fragmented soul I showed up and gave my very best every time.
As I recalled Father Dryden’s greeting, I realised I learnt a great truth this year. I finally knew what Peace felt like.
And even knowing this, sometimes in my loneliest moments courage fails me, and I wish for many things to be different. It is then I am stilled by this scripture “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9
As Christmas draws closer, I wish you the best gift of all: Peace. May it be with you and cling to you like a favourite sweater or a great lipstick. May it help you rest and when you need to, may it help you rise.
Peace be with you.
(Published with permission of Talisa Pillay)
Honey-girl,
It’s your birthday week. I am so excited for you. You are growing into a young woman so quickly. I love how your ideas are changing and how we can talk more and more about more complex “girl stuff”. Yet, I am also acutely aware of how much time we have left before your life choices become all your own.
Three Christmases and then you will be finished with school. Yikes! That’s sobering to say the least.
Maybe seven or eight Christmases until you graduate from University. I’m properly freaking out!
Oh my! You may be wonderfully in love by then and God willing; your life will unfold beautifully and gloriously before you. I’m holding back the ugly cry now.
Talisa, as a young girl the world will tell you that you can do everything that any man can do because you are equal to a man. Please remember while you very well can do many things equally to a man – you do not have to. You have nothing to prove. Not to anyone.
What they also won’t tell you my love, is that you as a woman will be expected to do as much as a man. Yet a man is not expected to do as much as you will be expected to do. He will never need to prove himself. Yet you will be judged for how you keep house, whether or not you compliment your husband in action and character, how you raise your children, how competent you are in your career and what you achieve in all these areas. As a woman you will be expected to keep it ALL under control. A man’s limits are carefully defined and respected. A woman is perceived to have more limitations but also expected to exceed them all the time.
Don’t allow these standards to define you as a woman nor allow it to make you fearful of one day being a wife. Your worth as a woman is not based on how much you do or don’t do. It is only based on a simple truth: You are fearfully and wonderfully made and God loves you. You do not need to earn His love or any man’s love for that matter.
You need only remember that in order to “love your neighbour”, you must first “love yourself”. That begins with R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I hope that the respect we have for each other in our home irrespective of gender, abilities, disabilities, age and station will stay with you forever. When you respect yourself, it is easy to know what to allow into your life and what not to allow.
Also hold onto “living in love is living in God”. That simply translates to being joyful, peaceful, long-suffering, kind, good and faithful. As your dad and I have done in our lives, we hope that you will write these on your heart. I promise you that these traits will carry you even when you think you can’t make it.
Honey, the world will also tell you that your sister with special needs is your responsibility. In many ways they already keep trying to elevate her in ways that can be hurtful to both you and your brother; often diminishing you to just a caregiver. I am so incredibly proud of your depth of understanding of people and their intentions.
You have not become bitter or disrespectful. You have responded maturely never allowing their emotional overtures to define the relationship between you and Savannah. May these insights guide you to have an understanding heart and to also guard your heart because no one is allowed to diminish your value and uniqueness. Remember, fearfully and wonderfully made?.
You already understand a little something about loving someone unconditionally. You understand what selfless means and that “what is fair” is a complex concept in our lives. I am in awe of how you share a deep friendship with your brother, who I am sure is often much easier to be with than your sister.
Yet you never show that. Not even to me. Not even on the days when you just feel melancholy. Even then your fussiness in making sure that Savannah always looks good and taking the time to do her make-up; often dismissing me from the equation is heart-warming. May you always be tender; doing in quiet for people what others would be applauded for.
We have experienced the opposite too, haven’t we? When people condemn me for only speaking about Savannah and accusing me of not seeing YOU. I won’t give up the details of how we live in love with each other. Not even here. I respect your privacy too much for that. I love that I get to be your mum without all the scrutiny. That is the gift of your life to me. Thank you.
So, this birthday I want you to remember we have not raised you to be anyone’s hero but your own. When life becomes too overwhelming; there is nothing wrong with slowing down, thinking it through and starting again, and again, and again because a New Day always comes. I know. You were my New Day.
Happy birthday my honey. I love you!
Mum
I did not realise that so soon after starting the blog, I would feel compelled to share a deeply personal struggle that has taken most of my adult life to overcome.
The apparent suicide of Charles Bennington came up in my Facebook feed a few times over the last days. I have not listened to his music so I can’t say that I reacted as his fans have reacted. However, the fact that he may have committed suicide was what caught my attention.
Ever since I was thirteen years old a line began to circulate in my head “anything to stop the pain”. I grew up in a home of controversies and contradictions. The details of that part of my story is irrelevant now but it was impactful enough at the time to cause me to overdose by the age of seventeen years old.
The overwhelming idea that life was not worth living had taken root and while having Savannah strengthened me to fight for her life; it was a long road before I believed whole heartedly that life was worth living. In fact, long after I was married to Michael and already a mother of three, I battled with the idea that I was loved, I was wanted and I was purposed by God.
I remember one night lying in a heap in Michael’s arms saying that I had this picture in my head that there was a bridge between happiness and I; and that I would get him and the children over it but I was not worthy of crossing. Having lived with sadness for a long time, I know that an instant spiritual cure is not always true for many people. The issue was never with God anyway. It was with people.
There were many people who were quick to judge my “choices” and who blatantly championed themselves about how they were better off than I was. I always thought it odd at how people engage in acts of kindness and generosity to the poor and the needy, yet often have no time or compassion for those who sit beside them who are so sad that they don’t see value in life.
Somehow, we have trained ourselves to think that the people with whom we fellowship alongside in our places of faith, our places of work and social circles are all nicely put together like we are and if they aren’t then it is not our problem. We offer quick, passionate words of advice based on aiming to fix their problem so that we don’t have to bear the guilt trip and pain of listening to it again and again, or we simply distance ourselves from them.
My husband used to say that if you have the joy of the Lord you cannot be depressed. For those people like him who have been raised in hope and love, they cannot always grasp the enormity of hopelessness.
And there was me: Michael’s most humbling lesson and likely his most passionate prayer. All the words in the world could not destroy the darkness that rooted itself deep in my soul convincing me all the time that the world would be better without me.
Only love and compassion restored me.
Michael’s patience, hand holding, trust and treating me better than I believed I deserved, slowly helped me to see that I was worth God’s love. If this man who sacrificed so much for me could love me, then surely God who I could not see must love me too.
Between Michael’s dedication and a friend’s compassion; slowly the darkness began to subside. Even though I still think life is too hard; I now know I am enough to handle it, and that it is okay to not be everything for everyone. I learnt to love me too.
For those who don’t have friends and family whom they feel they can turn too, it is such a tragedy. When standards and expectations of those around them are too high and they know that they cannot remove the masks they wear; then suicide seems like the only reasonable option.
And what a shame that is. Not their shame but ours. It is a stain on humanity when we react with detachment and judgment when someone commits suicide. We should bow our heads in shame that we failed a fellow human being. And the only redemption for us is to turn our attention to their families and be dedicated in helping them to find value in life again. Just be kind and patient with people.
If you are battling depression or suicide, please speak to someone today. Your life is worth it. You have purpose. You are LOVED.