celebrations Archives | A Million Beautiful Pieces

My Story April 10, 2018

The Anniversary Present I Can’t Stop Crying Over (it’s a good thing)

On the 7th April 2018, Michael and I celebrated our seventeenth wedding anniversary. Under different circumstances; we might have been the type of people who absolutely made a fuss about our most special day. But we are living in this life and when we got married the honeymoon literally ended when we returned home to the news that my parents marriage was ending.

A year later it felt awkward to celebrate our first anniversary as my mother moved out of her home and the reality of her being a divorcee dawned on her. Michael’s parents also thought that April was the best month to pay us a visit from their home in Kwa-Zulu Natal. My mother lived with me at the time. While it seems logical that I had three babysitters available for Savannah, she was not the reason we did not celebrate our anniversary.

While trying to get our minds around the fact that Savannah was a person with a disability; it was more complicated to navigate being newly weds while coping with our respective parents and their issues. I suppose in hindsight it wasn’t as big of a deal. Yet there are times I wish for a do over. I guess we all do at some point or other in our lives.

As the years flew by the toughest challenge in our marriage was being able to provide financially for a child with a disability. Therapists and doctors charge more than the medical insurers rates for their specialised services. Medical insurance companies have water tight clauses which leaves families with little room to manoeuvre when funds are exhausted. For many families like us funding the specialised therapies our children need usually results in our medical aid funds being exhausted by March of each year. It was difficult to work on a budget when our child needed therapy, special medical tests and special doctors. As parents we tried our best to provide for all Savannah’s needs as well as for Talisa and Eli too.

So celebrating anniversaries often didn’t make it to the top of the budget.

There were three years when we actually went away for the weekend. They were a good few years apart and were much appreciated. As we have grown older the celebration has become more about spending the day at home with the children and sharing a special lunch which my mother usually prepares.

This year Michael and I planned to go for a mid-afternoon late lunch to a nearby restaurant and that would have been the extent of our celebration. However on the Friday afternoon before our anniversary, we were told by our children that they planned a surprise for us for the next morning and we were to wait in our room until they came to us.

Promptly at 7:30 on Saturday morning our three children entered our bedroom with shouts of congratulations and gleeful singing. Then began what I can only describe as AMAZING.

Talisa and Eli explained to us that they wanted to do something for us that encapsulated what we had taught them. They said that they knew we made many sacrifices for our family and they wanted us to know they appreciated it. They practiced a line for Savannah to say: “Happy anniversary mum and dad. We love you”.

So began the morning. First Micheal’s left hand was tied to my right hand with a ribbon that had embroidered red hearts on it.

Then we were given our first clue. The clue was written on a square-shaped piece of paper that had the letter “O” printed on the flip side:

“The Roses are Yellow,

On this special day,

Where two hearts became one

Are captured in a frame”.

The clue led us to a framed picture of Michael and I on our wedding day that sits on my bedside table. Working together with our hands tied, Michael and I found our second clue hidden inside the frame. And so it went on, with us working out clue after clue.

Our children had written clues that took us to items or places in our house that meant something to us. Eli’s blue teddy bear that we bought when I was pregnant for him held a clue.

Savannah’s wheelchair held a clue that reminded us of her eighteenth birthday when she received her “Audi” aka her wheelchair with pink tyres.

Our bookcase held a clue and the clue that led us there paid homage to our favourite authors.

The funniest clue was the one on the bookcase. We had to sing aloud to one of Savannah’s childhood nursery rhymes. The clue told the true story of Savannah’s fish tank which was where the next clue was hidden:

One, Two, Three, Four Five

Once Vannah bought some fish alive

Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten

Then somehow they died again

Why did they die so soon?

Because the water was not cool,

Can you guess what it is?

If you can then go to it.

All in all in there were seventeen clues to represent each year of our marriage. Each clue touched our hearts more deeply than the previous clue. When we had collected all the clues, our last task was to flip the clues over and put together the words it spelled. I get emotional just writing about it now.

Our children said when they think about us and as they come to understand what life is about; they realised that we have taught them that no matter what “Love Never Fails” 1Corinthians 13v8. That was what the seventeen clues spelt out: “Love Never Fails”.

Michael and I were simply amazed. They planned this for three days; working on the clues and putting it all together. They woke Savannah up that morning and helped her with her morning routines. I had no idea she was even awake when we were waiting in our bedroom because they were so quiet.

It was just the sweetest and heart warming morning all wrapped into one. On that note about sweet, all three children also prepared breakfast. They made home-made waffles with bacon and maple syrup:)

Could it have gotten better than that?

I think if you as parents take anything from this post, let it be that all our children are learning the most important lessons of life from us. As parents the sacrifices that we make will hurt us a bit. But to know that we are raising children who are kind, empathetic, generous and loving is worth the sacrifices. I would give up all the anniversary celebrations we did not do, again and again for this past Saturday.

Talisa and Eli aren’t deprived or less fulfilled because they have a sibling with special needs. They aren’t angry that life for them means we have to go at a slower pace. They understand the preciousness of the moments that make life worth living. They aren’t afraid to love and to live.

What more can we ask for? As parents and as soul mates, Michael and I can say our hearts are so full.

My Story March 30, 2018

An Easter I didn’t ever imagine

Today is Good Friday in South Africa. We have always loved celebrating this day. Amidst singing songs of worship all day (we love music), we have celebrated this day with a special meal of a roast leg of lamb for lunch and all the trimmings.

Actually, since Savannah was seven years old I taught her to participate in preparing the lamb. There were so many reasons why this was an impossible feat for her. She had physical and sensory challenges. She had some language processing difficulties and her ability to concentrate was almost non-existent.

However, we found clever ways to help her to engage in this special family time. As a young mother I hoped that when my children became adults and when we would be enjoying family celebrations with their respective families; that Savannah would participate in the celebrations by preparing a meal. I wanted her to feel how important her contribution to the family was.

It was humble beginnings of simply teaching her to pour the marinade over the leg of lamb to about ten years later when she was able to plan the entire meal. She would mix the marinade, prepare the leg of lamb and with some assistance from myself or my mum; she even served the meal. Savannah loved planning this meal. She felt so proud that she could serve her family and that we appreciated her efforts so much.

Being raised as an Indian woman, my family placed a high value on our ability as women to prepare meals. It is important to be the “hostess with the most-ess”. Literally. We value celebrations marked by the beautiful presentation of large meals. So, while I don’t live my life based on my culture; I did feel a sense of pride that my physically disabled daughter who is also autistic could prepare a special dish for a special family celebration.

This year though Savannah has not been bothered with planning the meal. She has not been interested in doing much. She is going through a difficult time for many reasons. It is not my place to share the details of that publicly.

What I can share is that as I watch her grapple with her reality, it is easy for me to feel angry and sad. We worked hard as a family to give Savannah a hopeful, bright future. We wanted her to always feel happy and joyful. We wanted her to know that she is big part of the world and that she has a reason to wake up everyday and live her best life.

As I ponder the complex threads of my emotions, I realise I am not sad or angry. I awakened to the understanding that the human experience isn’t about success and failures. It is a rather magnificent testimony of being a witness to each other’s lives. And when that “other” is your own child, then it is only you who can be brave enough and strong enough to witness everything that our children must endure.

I reminisce today of all the Easters before when Savannah’s excitement filled the household as she prepared the Good Friday Leg of Lamb lunch; and I am thankful.

I am thankful for the many Easter celebrations that was everything I wanted it to be. I am reminded of how strong we all are and how much we have lived through. I am grateful that Savannah too knows her own strength and power. I am hopeful that she will find her way again because of that. I am humbled as I surrender to the understanding that life is full of surprises. Some good and some bad. My courage is renewed as I remember the grace that has been given to us which has brought us this far.

Today as we celebrate Good Friday, my hope is in the story of the crucifixion of Christ. It was not an end, but a beginning of a new life. It is my thread of hope that one day Savannah will know what it feels like to be Peaceful and Joyful without needing to prove anything to anyone. She will never have to suffer the weight of living in a world that sets itself against her. And I will never have to feel helpless and frustrated at my own limitations as a parent.

That is the why in spite of everything, I am celebrating the gift that Good Friday gives to me. Faith, Hope and Love.

My Story February 12, 2018

Where is that darn Cupid?

Here we are two days before Valentine’s Day 2018. The invites for our Valentine’s Day party (to take place on Saturday) have been sent. The party games have been arranged. The list of to do’s is growing smaller. (Just remembered I didn’t add *Get Eli’s gift to the list*. Must do that. List growing longer.)

Oh, and before you get comfortable please get a cuppa of your favourite something because I think this post is a little longer than usual.

So Michael and I have never been big on Valentine’s Day as a couple but we’ve indulged our children, especially as it’s been a big fundraising event in their schools over the years.

For the past couple years, we’ve made a big deal of calendar celebrations for Savannah’s sake. She misses the excitement of how schools make days like Valentine’s Day fun. Since she is no longer part of school or any organisation that would be suitable to her needs, we have tried to recreate the events she most enjoyed.

Our close family and friends are quite something and attend Savannah’s parties with their great energy and love. Savannah has a splendid time and replays those moments in her mind or by looking at photos of the special day for months thereafter. It is these parties that compensate somewhat for all that makes her sad.

What makes Savannah sad? The same things that make any young lady sad. Savannah has given me permission to share this story with you told from my perspective and not on her behalf:

Two years ago, out of the blue after a therapy session, she asked her then carer “Why no boyfriend for me?” My mum who was with them at the time, assumed I had discussed having a boyfriend with Savannah. She told Savannah it’s a good idea to discuss it with mum and dad.

I hadn’t had a conversation about a boyfriend with Savannah so when my mum told me, I had no idea where that was coming from. It was hard to hear when my mum also said that Savannah was just unusually quiet that afternoon.

The same evening as Michael and I cleared up the dinner table, we chatted with Savannah about her question. What ensued was one of the greatest heartbreaks I’ve ever known.

Savannah repeated her question “Why no boys like me?” Michael said because most boys, lots of boys aren’t nice enough. He told her that we don’t know why boys were so silly but that she was always going to be our wonderful, beautiful, special lady and we loved her so much. He told her that Eli and her uncle Darren and he would always protect her and make her happy. She said flatly “No boy look at me dad.” I think Michael’s heart broke in an unrepairable way that night.

I tried to make light of it. I reminded Savannah of some of our friends and relatives who are single and happy. I then told her that when you have a boyfriend and eventually a husband, you have to do crazy stuff for them like their laundry. And that’s gross. I heard myself giggle and say I don’t want her to have to do stuff like that. And that guys are more trouble than she thinks.

I sounded calm and light hearted. So I thought. But I was trying to fight back tears. Later I thought off all the things that might have been better to say, but when you feel like the blood is draining out of you and recognise the angry screams you are trying to block out are your own silent screams, nothing I said would have made her feel differently or would have made me handle that evening any better.

Savannah wheeled herself to her room, still quite down. A few moments later we heard her play our wedding song “Paint my love” by Michael Learns To Rock. Michael and I were stunned. She never played that song before. Then we heard sobs.

I’m very brave when my children need me but that night I couldn’t see her like that. I went to my room as Michael knocked on her door and she told him he could come in. He sat with her for a while while she cried. Then she said “Can’t help me dad. My heart broken. Me be alone now.”

Michael helped her into bed then with a deep sigh, he came to bed. We both just lay awake unable to say anything that would make sense of the evening. Wrapped in all those diagnosis, was still a young woman who just wanted to be like every woman:in love and happy. Where was that darn Cupid and is there an arrow aimed at someone for Savannah?

But the world’s definition of beauty and love doesn’t look like our daughter Savannah. It does not help Savannah that any opportunity to make friends independently of Michael and I is also very difficult to organise.

Savannah can’t attend any adult community day facility because nothing is within reasonable driving distance. Mainstream community groups like youth groups aren’t an option because it would mean that Michael or I have to attend because people generally don’t have the time to invest in getting to know her.

Her being in a wheelchair, having difficulty in making herself understood to unfamiliar people and being autistic is just beyond the abilities of most people to comprehend. Rapunzel’s Tower, Sleeping Beauty’s curse and Cinderella’s wicked step-mother would have been far easier for us to deal with than society today.

For our daughter no Fairy Godmother or Knight in shining army will be arriving to make her the Belle of the ball. People aren’t teaching their children that it really isn’t an imposition to spend a little time with her.

Moreover if they did, I’d be afraid because we’ve already been subject to other parents mimicking her speech in jest or repeating her phrases thinking it would be funny to Savannah too. Not funny. Not at all.

So here we are. We celebrate the things that make her happy. We accept what is true for her and what is true about the world we live in. We don’t like it but we make what is in our control… SPECTACULAR for her.

Valentines Day is going to be awesome for Savannah. Later today she and I are going to get her new red clothing for the party and an Alice band. This year she wants an Alice band. She has already made a special gift for her sister and then she’ll work on her brother’s gift….because that’s LOVE. She knows that better than most.

“Love is patient, love is kind. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Excerpts from 1 Corinthians 13.