Anniversary Archives | A Million Beautiful Pieces

Today nineteen years ago Michael and I said, “I do”. This morning when we lay in bed, reflecting on our journey, we marvelled at how far we have come. Love is strangely complicated and yet purely simple at the same time. We feel that we are in two places at the once; still newly weds and yet we know so much more than we knew about each other on our wedding day.

We recounted the valleys, and there were a few; and we talked about the mountains we are climbing, and we wondered about the ones we have yet to climb. We thought about the people who stayed with us, and those who we have lost.

I especially struggle with my anniversary because it was at our wedding that my parents’ marriage began to unravel; and what I remembered for a long time about the first year of my marriage was their divorce.

I don’t remember long lazy mornings lying in bed, or walks down sunset lit streets, or suppers that became breakfasts. Instead all those moments were consumed by the pain of watching my parents marriage dying while mine was being born. I felt guilty, frustrated and confused. I remember the agonizing pain that I could not escape from no matter how much I wanted to. Overnight from being in the bliss of marriage we were thrown into the role of elders; caring for everyone else but each other.

During this time I was still grappling to come to terms with Savannah’s diagnosis and the disintegration of my family. Michael was learning to be a father to Savannah, son-in-law and brother-in-law to a decaying family and a husband to me. Savannah started school at an early intervention center and not at the local pre-school as we hoped; and we began the emotional rollercoaster as parents to a child who was labelled “ineducable” and a “person with profound disabilities”.

It is amazing when I recount that time; because if we thought that was going to be our only challenge, we were wrong. We faced Savannah losing her ability to walk independently and Darren (my brother) becoming an amputee. Those two tragedies still bring us to tears. Then Michael was retrenched at one point leaving him without a job for one year. Savannah underwent over twenty procedures under anesthetic and anniversary celebrations and date nights were repeatedly put aside to pay medical bills. Between our three children, we have been with them in medical theatres about thirty some odd times in nineteen years.

We fought for services for Savannah, fought for our right to try different ways to help her live her best life, fought to be understood and accepted as her diagnosis and changing needs made us aliens in our families and faith communities. Amidst all the deep paths that we ventured, God blessed us with Talisa and Eli. The joys in parenting our three children became our lifeline and our lives.

We did not sit together much because one of us was outside at events with Savannah or with one of the other children when they were too little to sit still. Or either of us (mostly me because I was home with the children when they were little, and needed a break) attended events while the other parent stayed home because we were too exhausted when Savannah did not sleep for days or when we could not afford to buy new clothes for everyone in our family to attend an event.

We busied ourselves in church activities, awareness programmes for people with disabilities and tried to be available to anyone who needed help. We put our hands up to join committees or babysit for other couples. All of this was good and we made good friends, but all of this was not always necessary.

We are both opposites in many respects. Michael is an introvert where I am an extrovert. He is unyielding when he believes that he is right, and I of course am right! So that makes for interesting discussions. Just kidding. But we both have our own ideas and do not need to agree on everything.

He is not romantic while in my head plays a perpetual playlist of love songs. He is a meat eater while I am a pescatarian. He wants to watch Manchester United and I want to read Jane Austen or Karen Kingsbury or Marian Keyes. He does not dance, and I was born to dance. Oh, but he sings. He wakes up every morning humming a song.

All dressed up for a rare night out back when our children were younger.

When we look back at what unfathomable storms, we weathered with little to no support; we know that we are a witness to God’s divine hand over us. We hold each other with humility for the times we missed out on, when we did not show up in the ways we should have. We embrace with a deeper respect for the others’ strength of character. We come apart to each other; knowing that we are safe indeed.

I thank God for our different seasons. But mostly, I am thankful to God for holding us together through it all. I am thankful that in all my joy and all my pain; being Mrs. Pillay continues to take on a deeper and more precious meaning.

What we know to be true is that love is strangely complicated and yet purely simple at the same time. We are thankful for a love built on the one who first loved us, Jesus; and we are thankful to Him for giving us this secret for our marriage:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” – Galatians 5: 22 and 23

Happy 19^th Wedding Anniversary to my endless love.

Now I am off to make our favourite meal, a Thai style stir fry (meat option and vegetarian option) which we will enjoy in the tranquility of our garden, listening to the soundtrack from our movie ‘Con Air’. That is our story for today: love during the time of lockdown (can’t help trying to play off the title of a favourite book of mine ‘Love during the time of Cholera’ – by Gabriel García Márquez. I highly recommend it.)

On the 7th April 2018, Michael and I celebrated our seventeenth wedding anniversary. Under different circumstances; we might have been the type of people who absolutely made a fuss about our most special day. But we are living in this life and when we got married the honeymoon literally ended when we returned home to the news that my parents marriage was ending.

A year later it felt awkward to celebrate our first anniversary as my mother moved out of her home and the reality of her being a divorcee dawned on her. Michael’s parents also thought that April was the best month to pay us a visit from their home in Kwa-Zulu Natal. My mother lived with me at the time. While it seems logical that I had three babysitters available for Savannah, she was not the reason we did not celebrate our anniversary.

While trying to get our minds around the fact that Savannah was a person with a disability; it was more complicated to navigate being newly weds while coping with our respective parents and their issues. I suppose in hindsight it wasn’t as big of a deal. Yet there are times I wish for a do over. I guess we all do at some point or other in our lives.

As the years flew by the toughest challenge in our marriage was being able to provide financially for a child with a disability. Therapists and doctors charge more than the medical insurers rates for their specialised services. Medical insurance companies have water tight clauses which leaves families with little room to manoeuvre when funds are exhausted. For many families like us funding the specialised therapies our children need usually results in our medical aid funds being exhausted by March of each year. It was difficult to work on a budget when our child needed therapy, special medical tests and special doctors. As parents we tried our best to provide for all Savannah’s needs as well as for Talisa and Eli too.

So celebrating anniversaries often didn’t make it to the top of the budget.

There were three years when we actually went away for the weekend. They were a good few years apart and were much appreciated. As we have grown older the celebration has become more about spending the day at home with the children and sharing a special lunch which my mother usually prepares.

This year Michael and I planned to go for a mid-afternoon late lunch to a nearby restaurant and that would have been the extent of our celebration. However on the Friday afternoon before our anniversary, we were told by our children that they planned a surprise for us for the next morning and we were to wait in our room until they came to us.

Promptly at 7:30 on Saturday morning our three children entered our bedroom with shouts of congratulations and gleeful singing. Then began what I can only describe as AMAZING.

Talisa and Eli explained to us that they wanted to do something for us that encapsulated what we had taught them. They said that they knew we made many sacrifices for our family and they wanted us to know they appreciated it. They practiced a line for Savannah to say: “Happy anniversary mum and dad. We love you”.

So began the morning. First Micheal’s left hand was tied to my right hand with a ribbon that had embroidered red hearts on it.

Then we were given our first clue. The clue was written on a square-shaped piece of paper that had the letter “O” printed on the flip side:

“The Roses are Yellow,

On this special day,

Where two hearts became one

Are captured in a frame”.

The clue led us to a framed picture of Michael and I on our wedding day that sits on my bedside table. Working together with our hands tied, Michael and I found our second clue hidden inside the frame. And so it went on, with us working out clue after clue.

Our children had written clues that took us to items or places in our house that meant something to us. Eli’s blue teddy bear that we bought when I was pregnant for him held a clue.

Savannah’s wheelchair held a clue that reminded us of her eighteenth birthday when she received her “Audi” aka her wheelchair with pink tyres.

Our bookcase held a clue and the clue that led us there paid homage to our favourite authors.

The funniest clue was the one on the bookcase. We had to sing aloud to one of Savannah’s childhood nursery rhymes. The clue told the true story of Savannah’s fish tank which was where the next clue was hidden:

One, Two, Three, Four Five

Once Vannah bought some fish alive

Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten

Then somehow they died again

Why did they die so soon?

Because the water was not cool,

Can you guess what it is?

If you can then go to it.

All in all in there were seventeen clues to represent each year of our marriage. Each clue touched our hearts more deeply than the previous clue. When we had collected all the clues, our last task was to flip the clues over and put together the words it spelled. I get emotional just writing about it now.

Our children said when they think about us and as they come to understand what life is about; they realised that we have taught them that no matter what “Love Never Fails” 1Corinthians 13v8. That was what the seventeen clues spelt out: “Love Never Fails”.

Michael and I were simply amazed. They planned this for three days; working on the clues and putting it all together. They woke Savannah up that morning and helped her with her morning routines. I had no idea she was even awake when we were waiting in our bedroom because they were so quiet.

It was just the sweetest and heart warming morning all wrapped into one. On that note about sweet, all three children also prepared breakfast. They made home-made waffles with bacon and maple syrup:)

Could it have gotten better than that?

I think if you as parents take anything from this post, let it be that all our children are learning the most important lessons of life from us. As parents the sacrifices that we make will hurt us a bit. But to know that we are raising children who are kind, empathetic, generous and loving is worth the sacrifices. I would give up all the anniversary celebrations we did not do, again and again for this past Saturday.

Talisa and Eli aren’t deprived or less fulfilled because they have a sibling with special needs. They aren’t angry that life for them means we have to go at a slower pace. They understand the preciousness of the moments that make life worth living. They aren’t afraid to love and to live.

What more can we ask for? As parents and as soul mates, Michael and I can say our hearts are so full.