Living My Best Life In My Never Ending Challenge Archives

Have you ever felt that you needed the world to stop spinning for five minutes so that you can get off, catch your breath and then jump back on again? I felt that way for a major chunk of my life. Life just kept happening and the resources that I depended on began to wear thin.

Those resources were all the voices that took up space in my head and it was the reason behind my drive. It did not replenish already depleted resources nor did it nourish me so that I could keep going. It just drained me to the point that I had no will to pursue my own dreams and aspirations. Yet I did not know how to replace those resources or even if it could be replaced.

I just knew that it was not serving me.

Myself with Deon Groenewald NLP Coach and CEO of Journey To You

These were my resources:
“You are the eldest, you must hold it together”.
“You are responsible for this. You must fix it.”
“You must look after your parents.”
“You must be responsible for your parents marriage.”
“Your mother needs you. Your daughter needs you. Your husband needs you. Your children need you. Your friend needs you. Your job needs you. This organisation needs you. Your church needs you. You must take care of all this.”
“You are responsible for your marriage.”
“You know that when there is a child with a disability, the marriage is under enormous stress. You must make your marriage work.”
“Your other children will be deprived because they have a sibling with special needs. You must make sure that you don’t neglect them.”
“You are the woman. It’s on you to make it work.” (‘It’ referring to anything and everything about life in general).
“You did this. You must fix it.”
“You must hold the family together.”
It’s exhausting just writing that.

Then fast forward to a few weeks ago when my brother Darren called me after he completed a life coach course at his place of employment. The life coach who conducted his training was hosting one final course from the 19th to the 21st December and Darren was very keen for me to participate in this.

Now I’ve heard of a few people who are really good at teaching about self-care or self-help but nothing ever resonated enough with me to attend any course. I also need the guarantee that when I spend money on myself that could be used towards my daughter Savannah’s care, the value must be spectacular.

Past experiences also taught me to stay away from people who need to ‘give me a word’ or promise to ‘heal my life’ or ‘know a lot about how people think’. The most well-meaning intentions by the most passionate people can cause more damage than good. When a pastor, coach or counsellor does not have the skills, understanding and compassion to help a person through an issue that could potentially cause that person to break, they actually have no business engaging an individual on such a personal level.

What was interesting to me is that my husband shares these same reservations as I do, yet it was him who finally convinced me to register for the course, knowing full well that I would be away from home from 9am to 9pm every day for three days.

On the 19th December as I drove to the course, I was ready to be open to the experience and not to show up for anyone else but myself. I have a reputation of ‘mothering’ people wherever I go and I’m known to be an extrovert. This time I just wanted to be true to what I was feeling during the process. Yes, that it’s..I told myself ‘Trust the process’.

The process I was to trust was ‘Journey To You’ headed by renowned NLP Coach Deon Groenewald. NLP is an acronym for Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Deon has earned himself a reputation as a Master of his field. ‘Journey To You’ is a three-day intensive journey of transformation developed by Deon over a ten-year period. It is designed to help people to effect change from a deep place inside themselves that results in an amazing personal journey.

I knew none of this when I arrived at the course. I did not read the course details because I did not want to go into my self-defence mode. As an over thinker and someone who prepares for every possible outcome, I wanted to let the process guide me instead of the other way round.

As I write this I’m incredibly overwhelmed by what took place over the three days. I learnt so much about the science of how the brain deals with information and how that affects our decision-making process. The pivotal points for me was in understanding my conscious mind and my sub conscious mind, aligning my first reaction and my second reaction, learning how to plan for my goals and in learning to plan a celebration for myself when I achieved a goal.

More than learning these pivotal points in the context of the large group, I was also assigned to a life coach Maligay Govender. Each participant was part of a smaller group led by a qualified coach. It was in my small group that I was taught how to apply what I learnt in the larger group. Maligay made the principles and techniques real for me by guiding me on how to integrate it into my life plan which I had begun to fill out from the morning of Day One.

As I write this and recount the timeline exercise that she did with me, I am filled with emotion. Timeline was the most vulnerable I’ve ever been until then and it was the first time I allowed myself to remember who I was as a child. I actually was able to visualise myself at four years old and to reconnect that person to myself today.

Years ago, my then pastors wife asked me to describe myself. Who was I? It took longer than a month for me to give her an answer that did not include daughter, mother, wife, sister, friend and all the roles I fulfil. When I eventually did give her an answer, I gave her a scripture but it did not describe me. It described someone I wanted to be. As Maligay finished the timeline exercise with me, I realised that I could finally answer that question without all the roles that form part of who I am.

I knew who I was without all the events that shaped me. I liked that person. And I wanted to live with her innocence and her passion again. It was so powerful that I cry even now as I understand what a gift Maligay helped me to find within myself.

Maligay and Bharat Trikam, a fellow change maker

On Day three of ‘Journey to You’, I knew that the moment had come for me to commit myself to a process of understanding how to listen to my own authentic internal voice. With the entire larger group of participants in the room, I courageously volunteered to allow Deon to take me through this process.

I am not going to give the details away of how that was done because I fear I may reduce it’s impact and beauty here. I will share this:

There wasn’t any music to influence what happened.
There wasn’t wild applause or coercion from the other participants.
There were many people in the room including a film crew as this was being recorded for television viewing. Yet the room felt that it was filled to every corner and every space with nothing but goodwill and love.

Deon was respectful of me, never asking me to share more than I was comfortable to share. The key though was that his process did not need for me to bare my soul so that he could rescue me. He only needed me to trust the exercise and to trust myself. I walked off the stage without the anger, resentment, fear and oppressiveness that I carried with me for a long time about my childhood. I walked off that stage with the door to a part of my soul thrown wide open and a feeling of self acceptance, contentment and peace.

Myself and Nadia Marillier, a fellow change maker

At the beginning of this year, I wrote that I entered a Women Empowerment Programme as a gift to myself http://amillionbeautifulpieces.co.za/2018/03/09/entering-competition-title/ . I wanted to give myself one year to experience life on my terms. I resigned from that competition because I realised early on that it was not what I was looking for. As I write this, I feel humbled by how God works. Just before the curtain dropped on 2018, God remembered me and He gave me my ‘Journey To You’.

My heartfelt thank you to Deon Groenwald, to Maligay Govender, to all the coaches; and most especially to my fellow course participants with whom I now share another beautiful piece of life with.

I am blessed I am.

I am grateful I am.

I am Desirae I am.

There is so much more I want to share, so look out for part two of My Greatest Gift This Year.

I have not written for my own blog for a while because so much was happening personally. Mostly I did not write because I was struggling to figure out how to deal with some painful insights I have learnt over the last six months. Do people care? What does it mean when people say “We know it’s hard’ and then have expectations of you that are adding to your “hard”? Or when they take it upon themselves to help you in ways that cause more damage than good.

I haven’t figured all of that out yet but I know it’s worth writing about because so many of us are making a life where the sun rarely shines. But we still need the warmth of the sun and to be showered with understanding and compassion so that we can continue to thrive just where we are.

Having the title of SuperMum is no blessing. It means you can’t have a bad day or you can’t sob uncontrollably on your kitchen floor or you can’t stay in bed all day wishing the wrongs will right itself. Being SuperMum means being lonely and that is not a healthy role model for our children.

To me being Supermum means being able to say you need “alone time” or “girl time” or being able to say…”It’s too much. I can’t do this anymore”. Ooohhhh, I said the unthinkable! Yes, Supermum means being human and allowing our children and our families to know that we all have limitations and boundaries.

Every curve ball that life throws at us need not be an opportunity to prove that we can do it all and be it all. It is an opportunity to say “Because I care about myself and the many roles I am, I am going to say No”. While I may still have to deal with certain curve balls like choosing between what is right for my daughter and what makes me happy; I don’t have to glam it up and make myself some kind of false hero for being mum.

There are far too many people who become heroes and saviours just because they are being kind and caring to their children or their spouses or their parents or people who are vulnerable.

I’m sorry. We don’t get hero status for supporting those who wear the body of vulnerability. They are the heroes.

When we are made to be larger than we are as caregivers, as foster families, as adoptive parents, as parents to children with disabilities, as spouses to a person with Alzheimers, and I’m guessing you get the idea here; we need to be vulnerable too. Living in exceptional circumstances means being given the opportunities to see both the magic and the tragedy of people living with bodies or minds that are different to us. It means for us as the witnesses to these extra-ordinary lives, we have to choose over and over and over again to live in the magic despite the darkness that is ever-present.

Simply put, in our (that is Michael and I) case and for so many other families like ours; being needed all the time, having someone else’s entire happiness, health and quality of life completely on our hands forever while knowing that often we have to make life altering decisions for them; and that the full impact and consequences of those decisions they will have to live through; is downright heart wrenching.

And no, it is not a lack of faith because in my case; it has been faith that has gotten me out of bed to do this over and over gain. It is not a lack of understanding; because in my case I have been both blessed and cursed to see wider, deeper and further than the issues at hand. Carrying a family through all that we have faced and continue to face while ensuring that all our children have space to grow and blossom in spite of living on the edge of the world; is no mean feat.

So why am I penning this deep and soulful post after so long? Since I’ve opened up about taking this year to “do me”; I have received unwarranted advice, been ripped apart by well-meaning people, my children have been given unsolicited advice about their future choices and the list goes on. I am proud that my children have a very close bond with both Michael and I.

However this does not protect them from people who pre-judge them because one of them has special needs. In fact Talisa and Eli even have a dark comedy routine about it. They mockingly joke about how people decide that they are neglected, how Savannah is our favourite, how to respond to people who ask really offensive and yes stupid questions like “how do you get on with your sister” or offer advice like “I think you don’t want that. You are just trying to make your mother happy”.

In the last few months I have cradled my children in my arms while they have wept when other people have confused and hurt them crossing the boundary into the territory that is only for Michael and I. So when my children are given unsolicited advice by people who know nothing about raising teenagers in a family with someone with special needs; they have no idea of the damage and havoc they wreak.

Or the effort it takes for me to like the world again every morning.

So here is the take away from this post:

*Don’t judge ever. It doesn’t matter what your credentials are or what your experiences are. Don’t judge.

*Do not ask children, yes even teenagers, questions about their parents, their siblings or themselves unless you have explicit permission from their parents to do so. If you are not the person who will stand by them forever, then you don’t get to do this. That includes relatives and family friends.

*Honour each other as parents. Being hip and cool to someone else’s child at the detriment of hurting that relationship is NOT hip and cool. Supporting each other as parents is vital to the overall health of our society.

*Just as babies require much tender, love and care; so too do teenagers. Their hearts and minds are very susceptible to hurt and confusion. Handle their confessions with care and their ideas with respect. It’s unhelpful to offer advice that makes them question their parent’s intentions. Just as the weight of responsibility of caring for babies falls on parents; so too does the weight of helping teenagers mature into adults.

*When you meet families who are doing the seemingly impossible, don’t point out to us what you believe are the potential hardships of our lives. Just because raising a family in unusual circumstances might be unimaginable to you; we are doing it all day everyday. This is our normal: thriving where the sun doesn’t always shine, amongst the boulders and the weeds…choosing to be magic every single day.

Contact me for a motivational talk about “Living My Best Life In My Never Ending Challenge”.

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Living My Best Life In My Never Ending Challenge

My Greatest Gift This Year: Journey To You (part one)

When the sun doesn’t shine