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A Million Beautiful Pieces January 15, 2019

Back-To-School: How You Start Is How You Finish

I have not written a blog for two weeks. And now here I am. I feel rather delighted with the quiet time I had and with all that I have achieved in these two weeks. One aspect that took up most of my time was my investment in my children’s back-to-school preparations. That required focused time and attention from me. It is such an important part of my year that even my Christmas preparations can’t compare. Why? Well, because I am a big believer in “how you start is how you finish”.

My hope is for my children to aim for the highest version of themselves with self-respect and self-love.

In the days leading up to the first day of the new school year, we (being Michael and I) encourage our children not only to start getting to bed a little earlier; we also coach them into thinking about what personal goals they want to set for themselves for the year ahead. Our back-to-school preparation includes providing our children with: a safe space to face their fears, plant their hopes and to acknowledge what supports they already have for the challenges that the year will bring.

One of those challenges for our family is when Savannah has a medical flare up. This happens at anytime during the year. Sometimes she is admitted to hospital and that means our family routines change drastically. Both Talisa and Eli know what it feels like to face an important exam or event while feeling worried about their sisters’ health. It would be neglectful of us to assume that the concerns we deal with regarding Savannah do not make an impression on Talisa and Eli. Anxiety is a real issue for teenagers and too often they are not taught helpful ways to deal with this. Anxiety in teens:What it looks like and strategies to help from Parent24 offers some insight into this topic.

In our home, Michael and I have a golden rule all year round but most especially during the month of January: we ensure that we are available to Talisa and Eli to listen to anything they have to say. We believe that “how you start is how you finish” and we want them to start strong. What they are saying or not saying as they begin the daily school grind are markers that guide us on how best to support them. We know that as teenagers our children need us to listen more and to lecture less. Sometimes that can be really hard to do as parents. An educational psychologist has been part of our parenting journey at different times and we value the process that we went on with them in helping us to help a specific child at a specific time.

Savannah being autistic meant that our then educational psychologist had her work cut out for her in teaching us neuro-typical parents a totally different way of thinking about parenting. We learnt how our emotions affected Savannah when we did not understand what she needed. We learnt that we caused more anxiety if we indulged ourselves with unbridled expressions of emotions. It only exacerbated the issue at hand as Savannah’s anxiety increased and we became part of the problem when we should have been part of the solution. We learnt how to express ourselves in a way that became supportive to Savannah without any outbursts from her or us. You could say, having learnt to respect our child’s right to a space that is calm and patient, means that Savannah trained us well for her siblings. 🙂

Generally teenagers are usually more emotional yet less able to express that in a way that will be helpful to themselves. We want Talisa and Eli to feel free to express their fears and hopes without the worry about whether or not it will displease us. We want them to feel brave to go to every corner of their souls to seek out what might be possible for them and to be able to explore those ideas with us. Even if we do not understand it, it is more important for them to feel free to express themselves than for us to limit them to only our own understanding of them and to our dreams for them.

This time of planning, discussing and listening to each other before the school year consumes us is empowering for all of us. Our plan includes our goals, how to achieve that and what supports are available to each family member. I wrote about this last year in my post The Safe House. Each person writes down their personal goals, their academic or career goals, their spiritual goals and we agree on a goal or goals for us as a unit. We talk about what we have written and if necessary we discuss how the family routines or resources will be restructured to support relevant goals. We also write down how we plan to achieve each goal and by when we want to accomplish each goal.

Having a child who is autistic and medically complex means that Michael and I cannot completely plan what she will need during the year. But sharing our goals together means that we are all continuously looking out for each other. Not only are Michael and I mindful of being available to the children and being realistic about what they need; the children too become more involved in how we function as a family. We found that as they naturally assume more responsibility for their sister than she will ever be able to do for them, they also naturally become a support system to each other and in some ways to us a well. This is not a bad thing for children.

We discuss different areas of our lives as we plan for back-to-school. Some areas require more detailed discussions and others may require a less detailed discussion. From having daily routines and acknowledging how each of our routines impact each other, to deciding who we will pursue relationships with and who we will cool off from (if anyone) are all part of these plans for the forthcoming year. We pray for the year ahead and for each other.

Talisa and Eli were all smiles on the first day of the new school year.

During the year Michael and I make a habit of checking in with each other and with the children about their plans. We also celebrate when the children achieve a goal (Michael and I are learning to do the same for ourselves too). At the end of each school year, we review this document. It is empowering to see how much each person achieved. If someone did not achieve a goal we discuss this together. We facilitate a discussion to help our children reflect on themselves for answers as to why they did not achieve a goal. This has been of greater significance for them that we do not accuse them. Ultimately, we want our children to take responsibility for the pursuit of their dreams. We want them to be brave enough to be self-aware of their own shortcomings. Mostly we want them to learn how to pick themselves up and to persevere instead of falling into self-criticism.

During all of this, the very personal goal I set for myself is to be a parent who helps her children to aim for the highest version of themselves with self-respect and self-love.

Next week, I will share more about how I helped my teens get into a positive mindset using an idea I learnt at Journey To You.

Parent Support October 31, 2018

Parenting: Here’s Why It Took A While For Me To Post That My Son Was Named “Player of the Year”

I took a while to write this post. In fact four days before my fingers actually hit the keyboard because I wanted to think about this a little more.

My son, Eli, was nominated by his football club team mates as Player Of The Year. Oh man, I was so thrilled for him. I couldn’t be at the awards and when Michael told me about it, his voice was filled with excitement. It was a deeply meaningful acknowledgement for both Eli and Michael because they have worked very hard for four years to develop Eli to play at this level.

Goalkeeper — Eli at a district tournament

I did not immediately share this news on social media. Last week I was astounded by the excitement that was generated when I shared a post about Eli’s achievement on the Kumon programme.

It was lovely to see that Eli’s achievement in Kumon was so encouraging to so many people but it also made me step back and re-evaluate why the response was so good and what does it mean to me and to my audience. The thing about the internet is that it’s not just about me and what I am sharing. It’s also about my audience and how this information impacts them.

As Savannah’s mother, I understand a little something about being “unable to achieve”. I also know that her unusual achievements have little appreciation in the wider social context. When she began her schooling career at age three, my social group had no idea about how hard we worked with Savannah to achieve simple skills such as holding her own bottle. It took her over seven years to learn how to throw a ball. She still cannot catch a ball unless it is thrown from very close to her and then only if she is alerted that a ball will be thrown to her.

I knew what it felt like to have a child whose report card read “not achieved”.

Over the years, as a parent and professional in the disability sector, I’ve learnt so much about the hard work and effort that so many children and their families put in to achieve their goals. Therefore today as a writer and speaker it is important to me to be responsible in sharing good and not so good stories. It begins with asking myself “why” am I sharing a piece of news and “what” do I want to achieve.

The only reason I share anything is to be a testament to Faith, Hope and Love. Eli achieving anything is not just that he has some gifts, but also that he works really hard in other areas of our lives too. As a family with a person with special needs, and who have minimal help, there are a fair amount of chores that the children have to assist with.

Amongst Eli’s responsibilities are clearing the garden of the dogs’ mess, feeding the dogs every evening while Talisa feeds them every morning, taking the laundry off the clothes line, taking the garbage out, making a fire (when necessary) and cleaning the fireplace, helping in the kitchen either with food prep or cleaning up, cleaning his own room and helping to set and clean the table around mealtimes.

Aside of this, Eli is a sibling to Savannah who sometimes needs assistance in different ways such as sorting out her computers or phone when there is a technical issue. Eli or Michael help her with this. When we attend parties or shows, Savannah also likes to have any recorded media on her devices so someone has to transfer it to her devices. Eli or Talisa usually take on this task.

Savannah needs to stretch by playing ball and she needs someone to take her outside and to throw the ball at a pace that is suitable for her. Eli, our resident sportsman becomes Savannah’s coach and works out with her.

Or when she wants to go for a walk, and I’m the available adult to take her but I actually don’t want to have to talk or listen anymore that day, Eli usually offers to accompany us, and keeps Savannah engaged with his happy banter.

Michael usually helps Savannah to bed, gives her medicines and prays with her. She sleeps much better when he does the bed time routine. But when he is not home, the only person who fills those shoes for Savannah is Eli. What it feels like listening to him go through Savannah’s routine is hard for me to describe. As a mother it just grips my heart and makes me feel like I am glowing from inside. What it does for Eli and for Savannah as siblings, is something one can only understand when you view life from this side of the field.

We know so well that life is full of surprises and challenges. We do not know what hurdles are still to come as Eli goes from boy to man. For now in this season, he has marked his life with these achievements and so I share his news. At eleven years old, while still developing and learning like any other boy of his age, he is also responsible in ways that many children aren’t expected to be or don’t have to be.

That is a testament to having learnt at a young age, that faith can move mountains, that hope is a lifeline and that when you love, you gain more than you give.

That brings me to “what” I want to achieve when I share posts about achievements. I want to encourage you that children can achieve so much more than we think is possible; provided that they are operating within their own abilities and their passions. I know how important it is for children to have the space to work for a dream, and then to have the space to bask in it’s glow when their dream becomes reality.

So for me, I share these moments of our lives not only to encourage a wider audience, but to also encourage my children. The internet is one giant diary, keeping an online record of our lives. Long after I’m gone these posts will be the relics my children and their children will sift through to learn about their past.

For Eli and Talisa, I want my writing to be a reminder to them of the amazing and wonderful ways God was with them and with their sister. As siblings to someone who will need care for her whole life, I hope that Talisa and Eli will find encouragement and strength when they grapple with issues unique to them. I hope that as they reflect on these posts they will remember what hurdles our family were jumping and why their achievements for its time were remarkable.

My own dream as a parent is inspired by the beautiful game:

I hope like that like a striker, I will keep my eye on the ball ever ready to take the tackles, and make the strike to benefit our family.
I hope like a great defender, I will know when to move forward and when to move back; never undermining my children’s abilities in the game of life.
I hope, like a goalkeeper during a penalty shootout, I will have broad enough shoulders to keep my chin up to return to the box time and time again to make a stand for my team.

Eli for Easterns Local Football Association under 10 Goalkeeper 2018

Most of all I hope I remember that just like a football coach knows that the game must challenge and test his players in order for them to be better, life will do the same to my children.

They must enter their own Theatre of Dreams to face the ball, to make their move and to learn to accept consequence thereof, for glory or defeat.

My greater hope is that when my children face their challenges: it will always change them for the better.

"We strive for perfection and if we fail, we might just have to settle for excellence." -Sir Matt Busby

My Story May 3, 2018

Set your soul on fire

What is it that makes you jump up and greet the day? What keeps you from giving into the fears that yell out to stop? How do you keep yourself motivated?

I’ve stared down some dead ends and often when there was a choice to be made, it meant choosing between all tough alternatives.

Even now, everyday I face the greatest and toughest challenge of all. Myself.

I’m made up of too many things that tell me I should just accept mediocre. I should be satisfied with just being defined as a mother, or “the mother of the child with the disability”.

I should accept that all the mountains I’ve scaled have defined me and like the Lady Galadriel in the Lord of the Rings; “I should retreat to the North” and remain forever just as I am.

The thing is many of the mountains I’ve scaled were not of my choosing. So many times due to necessity and for the greater good of the people involved, I made decisions just based on getting through the moment.

Still I am mindful that on so many levels I have been blessed with having made a magnificent impact in my world. I am grateful for having had the ability to raise three respectful and amazing children and to be in a marriage that has only grown ever stronger over the years. Yet, I want something more, something defined only by myself and not by the mountains before me.

It’s like being the student who scores an A plus in Maths, then becomes a maths wizz with a high paying job, but actually wanted to own a patisserie and serve great desserts and coffee. No, I’m not a maths whizz and no, I’m not in a high paying job. But you get the analogy. I wanted to do what sets my soul on fire.

Here I am, a day away from turning forty years old and am exhilarated by the revelation that I can still pursue ME.

I know that sounds so strange but for twenty years or so I’ve been doing what most women are taught to do: to put yourself at the bottom of the list of people to care for. As wives and mothers it seems honourable to leave yourself out of your circle of care. Yet if you aren’t looking after yourself; you can’t really look after anyone else.

While I understood the concept of self care, I had no idea how to put myself at the top of the list.

I became a woman who stopped looking in the mirror because I didn’t want to see the girl who wanted more from life.

That girl in the mirror kept reminding me that I was smart, funny, maybe needed to shed a few kilograms but still looked okay. I was also thoughtful, passionate, hard working, powerful, kind, wise, determined, a dependable daughter and sister, and a really dedicated mum and a fantastic wife. She would not let me forget that God loved me.

That girl annoyed me. She scared me. She frustrated me. Yet in all these years she has never left me. Now, as I surrendered to the process of being a semi-finalist in the Tammy Taylor Mrs South Africa Women Empowerment Programme and also pursuing my love for writing as a Blogger, I finally understand her.

I am everything life has made me and I am also everything I dare to be. It was never about choosing between being all those roles that life called me to be. It was about accepting that I am those roles…. And more.

So I can answer my own questions that I began this post with.

I get myself out of bed every morning excited by all the possibilities still to come. I meet the day with the ache in my heart for all that I have yet to live through, but I rise knowing that God’s grace has brought me this far and will take me to where I need to be. The mornings bring me hope for another chance to be more than I thought I could be.

That girl from the mirror is no longer in there. She is where she should be: exploring what sets her soul on fire.

She is unafraid and unashamed. She is ME.